Hello, I just saw a thread on Reddit talking about how people are always cheating on their partners, which freaked me out. I have a tendency to hear about something like this, and then obsess about it, and it leaves me with a pit in my stomach. But I have no reason to worry about this, as I'm not even in a relationship right now, so this seems ridiculous. Presumably this is related to my anxiety and low self-esteem.

I've always wanted a meaningful relationship, but I recently had an online gf who did cheat on me, which worsened my pre-existing insecurity. She was the first person I ever opened up to, and she meant a lot to me. After that, I now just feel like I'll always be cheated on in a serious relationship, or my insecurity about this will create a toxic relationship or lead to cheating. I still want some sort of meaningful relationship, but I think I can only have a casual and somewhat detached relationship, because then I can't really get hurt or cheated on.

In general it seems my self-esteem is super fucked-up, despite becoming substantially more confident since starting meds and therapy. I am basically a hermit due to this stuff. I'm afraid to enter the world, because I feel like I'm going to screw everything up and embarrass myself somehow. I just talk to people online, and my parents, who I live with. I feel like I'll always be alone, and that the people who I will eventually find will only talk to me because they know I have low self-esteem, and can take advantage of it. I just want to take control of my life and not feel so afraid of everything, how can I do this? Apologies for the long post, just rambling.