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I've been having a lot of trouble articulating my feelings on sex. I've been on hrt for almost 3 years, had my libido *crushed" and have just recently felt ready to rewrite my sexual identity as a woman now that I've found someone that I trust that also gets me super excited
but it's been next to impossible for me to relax or find ways to be the partner receiving the attention. I think that I'm scared of the people that I'm having sex with, scared that they're evaluating my body and my genitals on terms are outside of my control. I've "withered" so much that I don't think I can ever be the penetrating partner, and I don't think that I can ever be penetrated in the way that I would want to be and Im not interested in SRS at all. I feel like an incomplete sexual partner, like I'm unable to do so many things that people expect with sex, and that I'm unable to offer my partners myself and my pleasure because I'm just so anxious and in my head.
my fantasy is that someone can look at my body as its own thing, that my body can be evaluated and judged on the terms that I author, that my partners can go down on me and I'll be able to reciprocate all of that joy and intimacy you get from making your partner feel good. right now, I just feel so boring, and I dread the 15 minutes after I make my partners cum where the attention shifts to me and I really try to force myself to get into it until I finally tap out. it's just so hard because I have no clear idea what I want, but I just feel this invalidating transphobic presence looming over my sexuality that makes me feel like an inadequate sexual partner because I can't cum or contribute to the people I love getting to feel good about making me feel good
so what is sexuality for trans folks when written by trans folks? what are some different ways I can think about this? how do I liberate my sex life and my pleasure from all the different hands trying to shape it into something it isn't?
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- 2 years ago
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