So let me start off by saying this gets a bit complicated. I’m male and recently turned 18, I play college baseball and my scholarship is really the only way I can afford school.

So ever since I was about 10 I have been researching transgender and everything about it. When I was growing up I played with girls and boys toys, and had more female friends then I did male. I remember I was invited to an all girls party when I was like 8, and I felt like I was “one of the girls” instead of seeing it as a chance to be with a bunch of girls, if that makes sense.

I began to wish that I had been born female, but just accepted that I can’t change. However, after more research on hrt and the community I started to feel like transitioning would be more reachable. But then my baseball career got more serious and I felt like if I kept up with these feeling that I would ruin it, my college chances, and disappoint my dad immensely.

Now I am a freshman in college, and I had decided that I would transition after college so that I wouldn’t disappoint my family by quitting playing baseball. But my problem with that is I worry that I’ll be too “big” because playing sports requires I lift and get stronger, and I’m 6’1” so I worry that when I did transition that I won’t be at all passable. Also I’ll be 21 and I see that a lot of people start at like 16 or 18, so I would be way behind and I wouldn’t like who I transition into and then I’ll be majorly depressed and I just get really worried every time I think about it. However at the same time I feel like I’ll never truly love myself as male, I have no interest in having a long term girlfriend (I find women attractive but I don’t really want to date a woman), and I’ve only ever “been with” men and I really enjoy it.

So I’m not really sure what to do, maybe it’s just an unfortunate situation or something, but I feel like I’m just stuck here. Anyway thanks for listening!