Last night nidrapoledhu due to innate hate on my self, so many tensions for not applying for a job wasting time and uncertainity in life, losing autonomy in a foreign country....so many reasons.

Thoughts stable ga lekunde, I was restless, twitchy the whole night - So I queued for competitive in valorant, the match was going well and good - suddenly comes in a guy at 5:30am mocks me for playing valorant that early in the morning - I lost my shit, there was sudden rush which I felt like some other person from inside me lost his shit and blabbered shit in fury, not even a single cuss word, but it was utter shit "I am feeling threatened, why don't you mind your own business, I will do what I wish to do, pakkanodu em chesthe neekenduku" - why would anyone feel threatened? why did I use that word? It wasn't a decision I made, It was a reflex (like hulk would lose his shit sometimes). I was staying in their flat as a guest, as a guest I insulted the host.

After this moment, I felt so bad, replaying the whole incident over and over again, I blamed myself for letting down my friend who hosted me. I was not thinking straight. I didn't sleep for the rest of the day. I texted him my apologizes, I admitted I crossed a line there, truthfully apologized to him. He didn't answer my calls, he took it to heart, he was hurt and in retaliation he paused all my devices on the home Xfinity network, I expressed my apologizes to his girl-friend too, I immaturely pulled out an alcohol bottle which I wanted to gift them as my graduation treat trying to make a point that my
burst-out was not personal at all, wrong-timing.

Oh! I messed it up, again!
Felt so bad
'had to pen down, again!

I can just shrug and leave this as it was it is, or I can choose to suffer from overthinking about why can't i keep it in my pants. I chose the later and been suffering under the weight of my own thoughts.

I clearly made a mistake, but how to repent my sins? Is this suffering enough?

Last time when I lost shit like this, someone close in circle were justifying a genocide/killing of innocent civilians and children in a war as collateral damage which is meant happen like a small price to pay for the greater good. (very long time, probably three years back)

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