Sorry in advance if posts like this aren’t allowed of if I trigger anyone (depression, suicidal thoughts).

That’s not my intention at all. There are probably other subreddits I could’ve posted this on but I’d really like to here from someone who lives in this city.

Has anyone been able to overcome consistent suicidal ideation when nothing else has worked? I think I’m at the point in my life where I’ve given up hope in my situation changing for the better. I still have glimmers of hope but I think that hope may be one of the roots of my inner turmoil.

Maybe I’m supposed to experience difficulties and maybe I won’t overcome them and have that story book ending I dreamt of as a kid. I want to be okay with that. With that being said, I’m not okay with my mind calling for my extermination every 17 minutes.

I don’t want to die. I think it would hurt pretty badly and I have this weird fear that I’d have to rewatch my life on replay for all of eternity no thanks with that being said, I don’t want to exist anymore. I’m really tired of myself and the world I’m living in. I’m tired of being a disappointment to my family. I’m tired of being a waste of potential. There are so many people all over the world in worse situations that deserve my spot more than me. If I could press a button that would erase me from existence immediately, I’d slam it. I’m so tired of seeing a bus drive by and genuinely thinking that I should’ve jumped in front of it.

I’m a 29 year old that comes from a difficult socioeconomic background. Raised by a single mom. I’m the oldest of 5 and I was expected to be a leader even though no one led me in the right direction to begin with. Dealt with poverty, food insecurity, physical/emotional abuse, moved around a lot, dealt with eviction, and a general sense of instability. I’ve been diagnosed with comorbid mental health issues. Social anxiety is one of the big ones and I’ve dealt with that since I was a kid.

I’ve done 5 years of therapy (on and off through school) with different practitioners that had experience in multiple modalities. I’ve taken every piece of candy the doctor and psychiatrist prescribed. I’ve meditated and exercised. I’ve worked with naturopathic doctors and tried other alternative paths of healing like acupuncture (through work insurance). Nothing has worked. My latest therapist recommended moving out of my family home but you can’t even find a room in this city for less than $800.

5 years later and I’m worse off than when I started. The anxiety and depression is unbearable. I lost all my friends because my social anxiety increased exponentially. I graduated from university but I can’t find a job and my brain feels zapped from all the stress I’ve been under. I literally can’t remember anything anymore. I’ve tried to learn new skills to open up better career opportunities but my cognition is in the mud.

All this inner work did was wash away my blissful ignorance. I can’t distract myself anymore. None of my old coping mechanisms like binge eating or gaming work. I feel so aware of all the issues that led me here. I also feel more aware of all the difficulties on the horizon and that makes it even harder to take steps forward. It’s like information overload. Every step I take is accompanied by several ghosts from my past reminding me of everything that went wrong. I’ve felt frozen for most of my 20s and I’m scared that my intrusive thoughts will only get worse moving forward.

Has anyone been able to get to a place of acceptance? Like life sucks and that okay. Your brain doesn’t bully you constantly.

I still have a little hope that things can get better so I’d also appreciate it if anyone who had a similar life story could share how they over came their circumstances and their mind.

Thanks for listening to me :)

I hope everyone has a great weekend and a wonderful summer.