I don’t even know how to unwrap this one……..

Background: Married for almost two decades. Two kids (5, 8). Wife and I are both early 40’s. Been implementing MRP for a year. Was a mix of alpha and beta - but of course have been a fully beta bitch up until last year. Life is better today than it was a little over a year ago. So to the present….

The wife has always wanted to go to [fantastic destination]. Last December I booked us a trip to [fantastic destination] that we just took this June. We also live on the West Coast and her family is on the East Coast. So, I made sure that we could spend some time with her family before and after the trip to [fantastic destination] (couple of days on the front end and a couple of days on the back end). So we flew to the East Coast. Hanged with family, dropped off the kids and headed to [fantastic destination]. I 100% planned everything - which is status quo.

Summary - trip was a blast. Our kids are pro’s at traveling now so overall travel went off without a hitch on our end. We had a great time in [fantastic destination]. Had sex twice and one morning got an unprompted bj/hj. So that was all good. Kids had a blast spending time with grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins. My wife and I also got to spend some quality time with her family. Definitely one of the best trips we have had to see her fam.

When we get back to the West Coast and we are all wiped out. One kids is finishing up the last week of pre-school. Other kids is starting a summer camp. I am finishing my last week at my current job. Wife is a SAHM, so she is managing the home stead. But all week long - she is just off and very distant. No post vacation/seeing family high.

The wife is not happy with my job change. I will now have about an hour commute (via company shuttle) vs. a 40 minute commute via public transportation to work (we live in the SF Bay area). The move is another lateral move (4 jobs in 5 years for me). Every other move I either made more money or was moving into a position with more opportunity. This job is not more money (taking a 2% pay cut) but the company made me whole with with a 23% signing bonus. I also get $90K in stock over the next 4yrs. Benefits are ridiculous at both companies - so that is a scratch. But, definitely a net positive on the income side with stock and bonus factored in. This is also a top tier tech company and the role 100% aligns with my passions and what I want to be doing. The only thing the wife can see is that I will be farther away and she will have to take on more with the kids (comfort test). I will get to work from home one day a week and by all accounts should be home @ 6pm everyday. Still - she’s worried.

Off the high of the [fantastic destination] trip she is on a low from missing her family. Typically she can’t tolerate too much time with them, but as everyone has gotten older they have chilled out. There are also a lot of cousins for our kids to play with now. I can honestly say the last two times we have been to the east coast to visit her family - it has been the best family visits of our 20 years of being together. The wife also misses her friends from another east coast city we lived in for 10yrs (not where her family lives). So in short - she feels lonely. I don’t know if any of you have moved as an adult before, but it’s takes lot of effort making new friends once you are 30 . I am also a lot more social and make friends easier. I have also made more friends through my constant job changes out here (also have friends from grad school and other previous jobs who have happened to move out West).

One last note. The wife is having some medical problems and she may need a minor surgery. If we go through the surgery, it should be on an outpatient basis - but she is still feels worried (which I understand). All of the above came up in a talk we had yesterday (based on her distance this week). I had to pull it out of her. Again, I have been happy and upbeat - but she has just been fucking mopey all week. So, we needed a mini intervention.

So I know there are a lot of “she’s” in this post. Why? I am relatively happy. The kids are relatively happy. I am very involved in my kids lives. I handle all the finances. Income is good (around $200K), and we will be out of consumer debt by this time next year. While in shape, I have about 20-30lbs to lose (stretch goal). That being said, I get frequent comments about my muscles and I have been dubbed her “Trophy Husband” - so physical attraction is on track. Kids are very well adjusted and happy. I will say that the wife was leading planning for the kids but I have started to take more ownership there. From the outside people probably think we are the perfect family - but my wife feels unhappy.

I do think I know what the problem is. I am a very ‘happy-go-lucky” type of guy. My wife thinks I am the consummate optimist (which I am). In her eyes “everything works out for me” but not for her. This is bullshit. I just work hard and I don’t bitch. But to her, it’s just a reflection of my “super great life” while she struggles. I have never had a really structured approach to life. I take things as they come and I apply effort as needed. I do make strategic bets that may seem like a random walk to others. It’s hard to explain. But I always have a rough plan in my head that I can never seem to fully articulate to others. And this is the rub.

My wife doesn’t think that I have a plan. We talking yesterday she wanted to know “what are we trying to achieve in California?” / “is this a failed experiment” (meaning moving to Cali)? The kids and I are good - but again she is not happy. I admit that I suck at goal setting - but even without goals I am a driven person and have been relatively successful in my life.

Is my wife a harpy bitch. Eh, no. She just needs structure and a vision which I have failed to articulate to her. Planning has never been a key strength for me.

Do I give a fuck? Somewhat. If I was a better planner, I probably could be even more ahead in life. I am 100% sure that I’d be fine without my wife (I handle the finances, I cook, I clean, can fix shit, am great with the kids) but she is a good mother. She is an okay wife. She could be a great wife - but that does mean me putting in the extra effort to organize my life a bit more. I know that I am going to get railed for this but I do have ADHD (fuck you, it is real) - and it makes executive functions (like planning) an uphill battle. Winners post in OYS and I have failed to do this. I have a MAP in my head, but it is not written down. So I guess I don’t have a map.

My ultimate take in this post is that all that glitters is not gold. I have a great life. Happy kids, nice house (great neighborhood), financially comfortable, in good shape (getting better) and I have a good set of friends. It does not mean shit if your wife/SO does not understand you plan/vision. The captain owns the course, but the co-pilot must be in on the destination. My wife feels she has no agency. I need to find a way to change that.

TLDR; My life is GREAT. My wife is unhappy. Do I need to be a better captain to my co-pilot? Or find a new co-pilot (not my current plan)?