Edit: Thank you all for hearing my bullshit and complaining about life. Thank you especially to those of you that have cut through my hamstering making me see the ugly truth about my situation that I didn't want to see. I have a lot more working on myself to do than I thought I did.

I've been in a relationship for 8 months and we've broken up 4 times during that time. I've been completely shitty in it. Sure, she hasn't been perfect also, but here's a list of the things I've done:

• Before we started going out, I flat out told her that there wasn't going to be a relationship if there's no sex first.

• In the first month, I was cuddling with her best friend in the back of her car while she was driving. After that trip, I promised her it wouldn't happen again and we stayed together and she stopped talking with her best friend after that.

• I never really "asked her out". I just decided, well, guess we're together.

• I was her first kiss, boyfriend, I took her virginity also.

• I've had no problems dancing with other girls at parties while she would only dance with me and her girl friends.

• Every time she's tried to break up with me while seeing who I really am, I kept convincing her that I'll change, I'll work on it, everything will be fine.

• She's been nothing but loyal. I have the password to her phone, I know where she is 24/7 and she know where I am for the most part.

She's gotten tired of me "not caring about the relationship and being sad around her but happy around other girls" and that's the reason we broke up yesterday and last night, being the person I am, convinced her that I'm not sad I'm with her, blah blah, and we got back together and I promised to be a better person.

In the time we broke up this other girl had a friend who liked my roommate so they came into my room and started talking to me. The girl gave me her number and said if I ever need a play to stay, I could come into her room. I texted her today and she said she "couldn't wait to hang with me :-)"

I've reflected on this and if the situation was flipped and I did all that stuff to my girlfriend, there is NO WAY I would take her back. She had the heart to not only believe me, but forgive me and is willing to work on making things better.

I now see the type of person I am and it would not be fair to keep her in a relationship if I'm not 100% committed to it. If I'm not shutting down women left and right like she is men, it's not fair.

I now understand how easy it is for women to want to have fun and then settle down later in their life as I feel I'm trying to do the same.

With all my blabbering out of the way, what's the best way to end this relationship on good terms? I don't want her to be crushed or alpha widowed after all I've done. If I would have known I was going to be like this, I wouldn't have pushed so hard to be in a relationship with her. I read TRP but Misapplied almost everything in the beginning of my relationship and that has caused trouble for both of us. I just want her to be okay.

Can someone tell me the pros and cons of my actions, why I should or shouldn't do it, or basically give me any guidance?

I don't know exactly what I want yet. I want my freedom, but I also want something reliable. Relationships give me the reliability that I crave, but plate spinning gives me my freedom. I know it's not something I can ask you guys here for and you can tell me what I want, but how do I find what I really want in relationships/girls? Do I have to go "find myself" the same way girls claim they do when they hop on the cc? Because that's what I feel I'm doing.