I've been doing a lot of introspection.

I've noticed that when I imagine myself as a shemale (or, per my conceptualization, an extremely feminized man, without SRS/HRT/Dysphoria, that identifies as such) there's a very specific sexual response that outclasses any response to the idea of being an attractive (to me) ciswomen.

I recognize that it would be nice to be as pretty as a beautiful woman, which would be preferable to what I am now, but it would be even nicer to become some sort of obviously fake-looking silicone-bimbo version of myself.

I don't know why (or how) I have such a specific and uncommon desire. My "guess" is that I have an extreme drive for authenticity. To me, adding feminity through plastic surgery, transvestism, activities, socialization, submissive psuedobisexuality, etc feels vastly more "authentic" to me than trying to negate or hide the masculine features of my body and personality.

The upside to this is that I don't have to deal with negative consequences of gender dysphoria, SRS or hrt.

The downside is the massive social consequence. If I present myself as obviously shemale, both by how I look and my intentional lack of stereotypical female socialization, I fear I'm not going to fit in anywhere.

I've racked up too many good-faith bans from online trans spaces to remember, I don't really have an interest in socializing with women, conservative types probably wont want to be seen with me, there are no other shemales/ladyboys/traps to hang out with (as far as I know). Maybe sissies would be more relatable?

The level of staring and polarization is going to be extreme. If you think being a non-passing transwoman is rough, imagine being a bimbofied version of such. Good fucking god lmao.

Just posting this because I want to be heard.