I feel so frustrated, per usual. I've become more irritable and distanced than ever it seems, and I'm struggling to keep up the cheery demeanor that I have around people I talk to also. There just feels like theres no end in sight for everything. My own brother didn't even wish me a happy birthday, and I guess the irony is that I our exchanges have always been brief, but even then, not seeing that plain message somehow feels crushing to me. There is this whole swirl of circumstances that I continue to feel more miserable about, in that I want a job, but I cannot risk getting people sick. I want to go out so badly, it's like I'm going nuts thinking about how different things are now, everyone here wears a mask for the most part, avoiding eye contact. You can barely tell what a smile looks like anymore. It's becoming more difficult to push all these negative emotions down, and it's just this concentrated misery I don't want to others seeing. This past year has already been pretty crappy, it almost feels selfish to dump any more of that anywhere. The elephant in the room however, is that while things have the potential to get better, they are still a long way from normalcy. I think at the end of the day, part of me feels bad for feeling the way I do, it's gradually becoming more and more obvious something is wrong, but talking about it would just make things worse in some respects. It's this gridlock mentality I see that things in that the only way to clear it is to just hold out a little bit longer. Everyday gets harder, I admit, and I'm trying so hard. I honestly just wish I had the confidence to depend on someone emotionally. It's so draining just trying to work through things on my own.