For the last couple of months it has been nagging at me that I’m not as straight as I thought.

I was in a toxic relationship where my ex-bf guilted me into sex and sexual activity, and before that I was a virgin. I dumped him after two months in February, after he coerced me into sex I didn’t want. That relationship wrecked my mental health and I started hooking up with random guys online as a way to sort of regain control of my sexuality. The issue was, I knew that the way I experienced sex was different.

For one, everything about a penis absolutely disgusts me, even though I enjoy some of the sensations it provides. Secondly, my mind would wander when i was having sex or engaging in sexual activity and I would become bored or distracted. Thirdly, even though I got aroused it was only very rarely when making out and kissing and it would fade very quickly. I quickly became uncomfortable and kind of just silently begged for it to stop. Also it’s super hard for me to orgasm during sex. It’s only happened probably twice.

What’s more, this wasn’t just during hookups but during my relationship and more recently with a guy I genuinely had feelings for.

The issue is I still have kinks? Plus I watch porn and masturbate. I enjoy that so much more than any actual sex with a person. There have been times where I’ve enjoyed it though so I feel bad calling myself ace.