(TW: I’m going to be talking about a lot of descriptive sexual stuff I’ve experienced)

Alright so I’m a 19 year old male going 20 in a few months, and I’ve always noticed that I’m a little different compared to my friends and certain family when it comes to talking about sex. As young kids my friends would be really immature, making jokes about wanting to have sex with every girl around them and I would join in to fit in but deep down it wasn’t really anything that I’d think I’d actually do.

I was introduced to porn at a young age (though I wouldn’t masturbate til freshman year in high school) and I know it really made me perverted as soon as it was shown to me: checking out girls in wrong ways, imagining how they’d look naked, who had bigger breasts and butts, but even with those thoughts thats a battle for me even now, I’ve never had the desire to have sex with them. Sure I’ve been curious about what it’d feel like, but I think I was just more interested in imagining than actually doing anything to them.

I’ve only had one girlfriend in my life so far, and maybe I was too ignorant or innocent (or just an ace) back then to realize it, but she would end up two timing me with a friend of mine and only now do I realize she probably did it because we never had sex. She never brought it up or asked me to have sex but she would mess around with my genitals a lot before we were even dating which made me really uncomfortable and even went as far as to force me to grab her bare breast out of nowhere. When we actually started dating I grew more comfortable with groping her breasts but even with that I never had that desire to have sex with her. I just wanted the romance: the hugging and cuddling, kissing, just knowing I had a partner I could love and trust.

I grew up in church so I just assumed the reason I don’t have those desires is because I’d tell myself I have to save it for marriage. Now years have passed since everything happened with my ex but since now all of my friends aren’t virgins anymore I feel left out. Even my dad who used to be a pastor has looked at me weird when he makes a sexual joke or brings up the subject and I try to shove it off as taboo to me. I’ll say jokes to my coworkers whenever a really attractive woman comes through and say something like “yeah I’d hit” just to entertain them, but that’s all I say it for. I feel like almost everyone around me hypes up sex and it’s influenced me to the point where I told myself that I’m going to try it soon.

The crazy part is I’ve had a few opportunities already and I’ve never done it. I’d hang out with this girl who every guy would check out for her butt and everyone wanted her, she straight up told me that she wanted one night with me. Told her no. All of my friends called me a dumbass and influenced me to regret saying no. Another girl (who everyone views as a sloozy but would still want to do stuff with her) asked me as well. Told her no. I would go to the house of one of my old coworkers who I had a big crush on and we would always spoon, having every opportunity to do something cause her parents weren’t home and we’d have the house to ourselves. She had a very nice body and in spooning my body would react, but mentally I still had no desire to do anything with her. The only thing I’ve ever experienced was I got a little drunk at a party and this girl started rubbing my genitals and constantly asking if I had a car. Took me WAY too long understand the hint but I finally got it and I just thought to myself “fuck it”. We went to my car and I fingered her which I can’t lie, I found a little fun. she tried giving me oral but I couldn’t finish. In the middle of it all though she kept saying she herself was a virgin and she wanted to lose it to me, but I declined and I told her I didn’t have protection.

I start to feel alone because it’s almost as thought every woman I want has that desire to have sex, and I’m scared I wouldn’t be able to please any future girlfriend I have. I’m working to make myself know I don’t need a girlfriend because the truth is I don’t need one, but when I start crushing on a girl it really gets to me and then the same cycle repeats because they want to do stuff but I don’t, and then things get awkward and inevitably leave my life. Its crazy how Todd from Bojack Horseman was the one to open the door to see if I’m an ace. I’m sorry if everything I said is too descriptive, it just feels like I have no one to talk to about it. I’m open to all opinions and advice

TLDR: lied to myself about taking any opportunity to have sex, it seems like I truly have no desire for it, Todd from Bojack Horseman sent me