So, there's the problem. I have a very complicated relationship between my sexual attraction, romantic attraction, and gender identity.

I've started to masturbate at about 12 y/o, idk if that's late or not, but that's the first time it felt good, and I've been doing that ever since. However, I don't think I've ever felt actual sexual attraction when doing that, it was just a natural response I had. However, I did only enjoy porn with women, and at this point I'm not sure if it's because I just liked looking at them, or wanted to be them. Anyway, I kinda just continued like that, never really understanding what or why I was doing, until I figured out my gender identity. I was a woman all along, ha! I'm like 95% certain of it, but that also opened the door into my confusing sexuality.

At first I was like "well, I'm lesbian", but then I thought about the fact that I like crossdressing men, but kinda ignored it. And then I got my first ever crush! I've never experienced romantic attraction to anyone before that point, I never looked at girls in class that way, even though I tried because "I'm supposed to". But anyway, that crush was on a trans guy, so I was like "Fuck, well what do I do now?", but he happened to also be very feminine (and he has the audacity to be cuter than me ><), so I kinda still ignored it. And then steadily I noticed more and more instances where I'm attracted to men. Mostly it's the feminine type, but I also enjoy the dominant type, who's bigger and stronger than me. And nonbinary people are just sexy in general.

Now, even though I do masturbate, I enjoy all kinds of women, many kinds of men, and plenty outside of the binary, I'm still kinda sex-repulsed? Or at least masturbation-repulsed? Although I have always received a kind of pleasure from touching myself, I don't think it was ever the right kind. When I'd finish, I'd feel a bit guilty, or disappointed, or gross. Some kind of negative feeling. I'd still do it again, because my brain tells me to, or just to pass the time, but the pleasure would be akin to watching youtube to waste time nothing more. It took me a long time to figure out that the one primary thing I like about porn is the story. I like to make up a scenario with characters and insert myself in there so that I can be having sex with somebody I love. That is the only kind of porn I've found myself to really enjoy, and I've been exploring that, to the point that I'm not touching myself at all, I just enjoy writing these scenarios, alone or with other people. And I do recognize that feeling as being sexual, just in a much better way. I still have to masturbate and cum at times to satisfy the monkey in my brain telling me to do it, but I still don't enjoy it nearly as much, or in the same way, as doing that. Plus, it's kinda separate from my enjoyment of stories, and I still get the negative feeling after it.

And I feel like I'd be repulsed the same way if I'd hook up with somebody to have a one night stand, just doing it to relieve the 'need', to satisfy the quota of cumming two-three times a week. I'd have to have to have a strong connection with somebody before I would be comfortable to have sex with them. It's easy to make up stories and characters, but when it comes to the real deal, I'd only have sex with my friends. And I don't feel like the attraction has to be exclusive. I think I'd be happy in a polyamorous relationship, and I myself think all my friends are hot. I'm honestly more attracted to words than the looks, though looks do still matter to me. And gender also matters! I'm attracted to men and women differently, trans people differently, and nonbinary people get an asterisk because you will require a personal examination! And although I'm sexually attracted to men, I hardly feel any romantic attraction to them.

So, in short, I have this "bodily" sexual desire in me that I kinda hate, I wish I didn't have it in me, that causes me to masturbate. (Sex-repulsed? with high libido?) At the same time, I have a strong romantic preference towards women, but I'm more open when it comes to sexuality, I could easily bang a man without being in love with him. (WLW but bisexual?) But I'd still have to be good friends with him, because I really hate the idea of having sex with somebody I don't have a strong connection with. (Demisexual?) The only way for me to feel any actual sexual desire beyond "need touch myself" is to trust my partner and like them in a way other than sexual. I do have some preferences for body types, but every single one of my friends is much sexier than any model. I guess it also matters a lot that my gender identity is validated, but that's an ultimatum anyway.

It's like I'm bisexual demisexual sex-repulsed ace-spec with high libido? Why does it have to be so complicated >_< I'm not necessarily looking for a label, but I would love to know if somebody else has the same or similar experience. I feel like it's closest to the experiences of asexual people, which is why I posted here. I feel like allosexuals wouldn't question their sexuality so much and especially wouldn't hate it as much as I do. Thank you for listening.