I have been struggling with labels for sometimes because I thought it will help me understand who I am and wtf is wrong with me. In recent years I shifted from bi to queer to sapphic pan and have been dating and was in a wlw relationship. The reason I put myself on dating apps is not because I wanted to date someone or look for love, more like I thought I needed to date and I needed to have a romantic or sexual relationship as an adult. In the last few months, I looked into aro ace as it was suggested by my therapist. It resonates me in a way, such as pan cupio/grey romantic and sex indifferent asexual.

I know I probably should be happy I find a definition closer to who I am but truth to be told I hate it. I am angry at myself. I’m frustrated at myself. Today I realise I am grieving for the person I never was, the romantic young woman who found their person and have a stable and interesting queer life. I am not lonely, but I have never felt so alone. I crave things I probably won’t have and feel as being myself. Sometimes I wish I could experience the romantic attraction everyone praises none stop. (I loved my ex girlfriend, I think. I love my best friend. But I never had the strong, light bulb moment of romantic attraction.) I feel broken and deformed. I have battled depression for long and overcome a lot of aspects of life. Now I’m again not at peace with myself.

I probably will delete all the dating apps this week and be sulking about it. If it’s five stages of grieving, I can’t wait to reach to the acceptance.

Just want to vent and scream at the world. Thanks for reading.