CW: mention of coercion in sex

Hey friends!

So newly really sitting with the ace label/spectrum. I have a live in boyfriend, but we haven’t had sex (because he refuses to pressure me in any way, fashion, or form) and I feel like I want to trial sex with him, but…

Admittedly I love him most fully clothed with no sexual innuendo. Like sitting with him, even kissing, talking and laughing and connecting and snuggling and just being together are all very good things.

But I feel revulsion whenever I see him fully undressed to the extent that I avert my eyes. Like…bad revulsion where I’m physically uncomfortable and just want to run away from the nudity. (Hahahahahah put some clothes on so I can snuggle you!!!)

And I’m honestly not sure if it’s actually I want to trial having sex or a societal pressure of “I should do this”. Because honestly I’ve had sex before, but nearly every time I’ve really examined my reasonings it’s just felt like an expectation or coercion or worse. Like there’s only been a handful of times and instances where I truly enthusiastically went into sex. I’d just…rather not. With anyone. Ever. And pretty happily could be like this forever.

And I think I just need like…a sounding board of sorts on this one? Like…even my impulse to trial sex is based around the assumption that I would nope on out within 5 minutes or less.