I've dated guys and girls. With guys it's only gotten as far as mabey a small makeout session but every time I kissed I would shut my lips and feel this dread and anxiety when dating guys in high school. Middle school I only dated a guy for like two weeks but I did genuinely like him I think as a friend tbh because we did hang out alot and he was pretty cool. But when I was dating this girl in freshman year I felt so calm. Yea we both had a shit tone of mental issues but even with that me being with a girl it all felt calm like I didn't feel anxiety 24/7. But I then started being fwb with a guy friend during the being of senior year and I hated it.

He wanted stuff that I didn't want to give and I would feel grossed out and want to cry after almost everytime. But he gave me romantic attention which I wanted so I stayed. Other then that we where good friends and there was only one moment where I felt kinda calm which was when he hugged me and pretend to kiss my cheek. But after we went to hang out it got weird. He kept asking to grab me and I said no but he kept going and went we sat down at a table he grabbed my thigh and kept touching it even after I actually let out a scream and pulled away he just grabbed my thigh again.

But we kept hanging out because I didn't want to lose my friend and we ended up going on a date and then another. But each time he would try to kiss my cheek and I would pull away before he could because it grossed me out and then one day he asked to kiss me I don't remember what happened but he did kiss me but I kept my lips shut and I didn't feel anything. So I kissed him instead thinking it was a me issue buy nope I still felt nothing that I just stayed quite but he was all excited and I realized I might actually be a lesbian.

So during my prom I met a girl and we talked and one thing lead to another and she asked to kiss me. I said yes but when she tried to I got nervous and started to pull away. I apologized and told her to just grabbed my face and she kisses me again but i keep my mouth shut. And I didn't feel any butterflies but just nervousness. But I knew that I did like it more then kissing a guy and I was more happy.

But um yea idk what I am but I do know sex grosses me out but I can read smut and stuff just fine and kissing scares me but kisses on the cheek I'm cool with and I don't like when people touch me like at all like I've thrown punches when people try to hug me from the back or touch my hair