TLDR: never been sex repulsed but realizing now, after husband’s emotional affair, I only ever wanted sex as a way to feel secure and wanted, and I’m not sure what that means for me.

I have never been sex repulsed or anything. I dated the same person from the time I was 14 until I was 21 and we had sex regularly. I initiated it often because it made me feel desired and secure when we did it. It was never like, exciting for me, it just felt like something I had to do to be in a healthy relationship. It was almost like I felt as though if we didn’t have regular sex, it meant he didn’t love me and I needed that physical reassurance. A lot of the time once it started, I couldn’t wait for it to be over, but I pretended to have a great time.

When we broke up, I started dating the man who would become my husband. He is much more into foreplay and doesn’t care so much about whether he cums. We had sex less frequently than I did with my first bf but still usually 3or more times a week. Again I kinda felt like it was something I had to do, but at least with him, once we started I could actually get into it and enjoy it.

Then 2 years ago, he had an emotional affair.
Immediately after the affair we had sex more often than we ever had before, pretty much every day, several times a day sometimes. It was like I just wanted to feel close to him again so badly, and he had discovered he was bi and it made him so much more sure of himself and sexually adventurous, he was suddenly horny all the time. I basically hrew myself at him, and never turned him down when he approached me. I guess it was another instance of sex making me feel loved and secure, and I craved it desperately during that time.

At one point during all that he wanted to try a threesome or being cucked and I agreed to try, I made a tinder and it was shocked by home many menu messaged me wanting to participate. So I chose one and we started to set up a date, but once it got close to show time I felt so utterly panicked and disgusted by the idea that I backed out. That happened a few times, I kept thinking I could do it but I just absolutely couldn’t. That’s when I started to think maybe I’m demisexual? Maybe I just need an emotional connection to want sex? Maybe that’s why the idea of adding a stranger made my skin crawl?

Well, over the last 2 years things have been up and down between my husband and I. He has backslid and emotionally cheated again, he has lied and hid things from me repeatedly. And right now, after his most recent misstep, we are not having much sex. It’s been maybe a week and a half since the last time. And honestly, I feel relieved every night he doesn’t try. I am dreading when he does start trying again. It just feels like it’s going to be work I have to get through. I thought maybe it’s because I’ve lost that connection to him that made me able to be sexually attracted to him, because of everything he’s put me through. But when I think back… I don’t think I’ve ever been sexually attracted to anyone. I’ve only ever been with two people, and thinking back, I don’t think I ever actually wanted sex for any reason other than to feel special, more desirable, or closer to my partner. And now I don’t even want to feel those things so my interest is just: nonexistent.

I guess I assumed that since I wasn’t repulsed by sex, did enjoy it when it happened most of the time, and was willing to instigate it…. That I couldn’t possibly be asexual. But I’ve been so confused and messed up for 2 years straight now, I have no idea who I even am anymore.

If anyone has any thoughts on any of this I’d appreciate you sharing. If you made it through all of that, thanks for reading.