Apparently.... that's a thing? It exists?

I just wrote that's how I feel a couple of weeks ago in my journal, not thinking much about it just that I'm not attracted to the person I'm "seeing" now (what does "seeing" mean anyway). But.. it's more than that. I feel intensely drained, on edge, I feel like alarm bells go in my head. I don't remember feeling like that before because I think if I didn't care for a person I just ignored them at let them go.

It wasn't a whole lot, I said I'm tired and that I feel sleepy, and she said she wish she could nap with me, and the first word that came to mind was "ewww!" like, why would I want that? I want to sleep, leave me alone..

I wish it was only her but it isn't. Another person I dated a few weeks before her, I couldn't stand when she called me "cute." We were very sexual, and that attraction was there, I always called it chemistry. But she wanted to spend more time together, wanted me to be there for her, and I just spent a whole day with her on a date but apparently that was just some sort of "hanging out" and nothing more, and I was thinking, is there more? What does this person want? I was angry, frustrated, why? she didn't do anything bad she just wanted me to be close in a way i don't understand.

Another date, today. I told myself I should because of the two cases above. We met, we talked, she tells me later that she had really good time talking and that she wants to meet up again, but she doesn't feel romantic attraction, and my reaction was "OH THANK GOD, here's something I KNOW how to handle." I don't even care if there would be no sex, even though I like sex (personally I never understood the whole "friend zone" thing and why wouldn't you want to have sex with your best friend, I mean that's the best, but whatever I guess I'm dumb or something).

I can still love people. I have partners and I love them both to pieces. They are my best friends, my roommates, and they are awesome. I still only "hang out" with them even though sometimes for my one partner we call it a "date" but it's a hangout and they are fine with that.

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Sorry I'm just ranting and ranting. I'm so drained from all of this I think I'm taking a mental day off tomorrow.

Does anyone have anything to read/ watch/listen about romantic repulsion? about dating as aromatic person (because friends are "not supposed to" have sex?)

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Thanks for reading...