Alright, this is going to be a long post, so I made chapters (sorry). It could've been way shorter, but I feel like I need to share my thoughts. My actual questions are in the last chapter

Backstory

Alright, so I'm 26M. Since my early 20s I knew something was actually off, but didn't know what. I even somehow thought for a while that I was showing signs of missing certain emotions, until I came across the term aromantic, what was totally new to me. I didn't knew this was a thing that apparently a lot of people struggle with. How I came to know - some friends of mine made a joke about it. It set me to think.

Contrary to stereotypical lack of empathy or basic emotions, I can definitely love people and have complex emotions: I love my family, cat, friends and would do everything for them. So, I guess I'm okay. But I've never felt romantic love or butterflies in my whole life. And it never occurred to me that this is strange or atypical - I've always thought that I just not found "the right one" yet.

I certainly feel sexual attraction to women, but since the romantic side is missing, I could only imagine "sex" as pleasure: it's nice to have, but not really important as far as I could see it. I would rather build a bond with boardgames for instance. That's one of the reasons I'm still a virgin: I feel physical attraction, but the act itself seems boring to me (although I'm definitely not asexual). It's also why I've never been interested in dating.

But I feel lonely a lot of times. I've a lot of friends, but I feel like I miss something. I want to share my life with someone, but not in a romantic way (I’m actually also not sure in what other way - why are brains so difficult to understand?). I just want someone around to live with and getting old together.

Actual date

As a result of this loneliness, I finally made dating profiles on a few apps (which was already a big step for me). On one I got a match rather quickly. This particular app doesn't allow chats and straight up just arranged a date for us, somewhere close to us both (you pay a small fee per date instead of a subscription to swipe blindly. So their profit is based on making you date as much as possible, instead of hopelessly swiping without results). So this was not only my first date ever, but she was also a complete stranger to me, because I wasn't able to get to know her the slightest via a chat. For me, its a positive point, because I don't need to play as if I'm romantic (I don't even know how). I just want to get to know her non-romantically and see if our personalities click. And that's difficult via chats.

The date actually went quite well. As expected, I didn't feel much of a "love connection". But she was super kind. After a few questions, I honestly told her, she was my first date ever, which seemed to surprise her. I guess it also gave a confidence boost to her, since she pointed it out multiple times. Especially because a first date at my age is probably rare. I just also sort of hinted that I was aromantic, but didn't say it directly, because I was afraid it would be an immediate turn-off (I planned to talk about myself more deeply on the potential second date).

When we both went home, she also told me she had a wonderful evening and hoped I thought the same about my "first date ever". But as she was quite enthusiastic, she needed to overthink a potential second date, before making a hasty decision, which is reasonable. She kept pointing out multiple times how amazed she was to know she was my first date.

Literally after just half an hour she shared her phone number and told me she wants to go on a second date (I wondered if she wanted a second date, partly to feel good about giving me confidence or because she felt very special. But maybe that is overthinking).

I couldn't sleep, because I overthought it, and deeply hoped she would actually have declined me, since I somehow and unexplainably felt wrong to "date" someone. On the other hand, I barely knew her, and maybe a second date was worth it, to at least know for certain if she's worth building a life with.

But purely due to stress and anxiety, even though the potential second date would still be a week away to overthink stuff, I kindly told her we weren't a match, which instantly felt like a relief. She was understanding and pointed out, again, that she was happy that I at least had a great first date.

How do you do it?

It's clear to me that traditional dating is nothing for me: it just makes me very stressed and anxious (not really beforehand, but actually after the date). I don’t feel any romantic interests, but at the same time I feel a great pressure as if I constantly need to make my date romantically interested, while I don’t know how.

Even if I directly told my date I'm aromantic and she would seem understanding: would she really understand it? Or would dating be poised to fail at some point, because I ultimately can't deliver someone's needs? Is it even worth to date an alloromantic person? I feel like I'm wasting someone's time, because in my head, it will rationally never work.

How do others do it? Do you only date other aromantics? Or do you maybe connect with people via other ways (hobby clubs for instance)? I really don't know how to find a life partner without guaranteed failure or where I don’t feel stressed/anxious. Or did some never find answers and just stayed alone their whole lives?

I hope more experienced people can give me advice, because I don’t know. I'm not desperate in any way, but I genuinely want to find ways that would work for me, without having to reinvent the wheel if it's already there, so to speak.