Im aroflux Demiromantic and asexual I don’t feel romantic attraction the same all the time

Sometimes it’s really strong and sometimes I’m even repulsed

Im in a long term open relationship online with several partners, my friend is on and off with one of my partners but I’ve been friends with them for a while and they love me and it makes me sad because it’s the type of love that hurts, I know, on some level, what it feels like, because one person, my first partner ever, she made me feel that way, where every interaction gives you butterflies, and you constantly worry about them and what they think of you and constantly feel like you’re messing up around them,

But

Im not really sure I think that’s healthy, my relationship with my first partner, i wouldn’t call that a healthy relationship at all, it was painful and yeah sometimes it felt great, other times it really didn’t, it’s like being addicted to something, it’s that type of love

And she struggles a lot with being good enough and codependency I think, but also doesn’t think her problems are valid bc “others have it worse” and I also know how that feels but honestly it’s just really really sad to me and I hate that I’m making it worse in some ways… I hate that I make her feel that way I hate that I can’t feel the same and I hate that I’ve put someone in the very same position I’m in right now in the past