This is a topic that's proving difficult to discuss with my therapist, because she's not understanding where I'm coming from, and thinks I'm just looking to label myself in lieu of just being who I am. That's not it; I'm trying to find a label so I have a common community. Just opening up with that.

---

Context: I'm a 21 year old enby who recently came into their own in realizing I was a lesbian. That is, I am aesthetically, sensually, and physically drawn to women and non-men (don't even try to argue whether "lesbian" is the correct word, that's not relevant here).

Up to this point, I considered myself... well, I wouldn't say "romantic", but I'm definitely the flirty type. I've always made flirtatious sexual jokes, some a bit more serious than others. I was, to myself, an assumed alloromantic individual, though I've always been more about the sexual stuff.

I met someone at a club a few weeks ago, introduced by my cousin and his partner. By their encouragement, I decided to pursue something with this someone and see where it leads. From this point on, I'll be calling them D, and using they/them pronouns in reference to them.

Our first date, we hit it off great. Went from eating at Applebees to cuddling (clothed) in their bed, to parting with a couple of kisses. No sparks flew, but for me, it just felt safe and familiar, a stark difference from the emotional drain of my last relationship. From that moment, I felt like D was going to be someone "important" to me, though I couldn't figure out in which way. I had no assumptions in that moment about the importance being long term or short term, just that they would be significant.

Second date, things got intimate. Clothes were removed, and we had sex. Same deal, we cuddled and kissed. I enjoyed it, felt safe and secure, worried a little bit about committment (I'm not looking for commitment right now, though I am wanting intimacy like what we had on the first date).

Third and fourth (latest) hangout, I have the lingering thought of "I'm okay with things staying like this. I don't want things to progress. I don't see myself dating them in the future, and I really hope they don't have a declaration of love anytime soon".

Recently, I asked D if we were mutually moving towards being exclusive. This is when they tell me that, due to a job opportunity, they'll be moving in the next year, and won't be able to provide anything in terms of committment or longterm. This triggered my abandonment trauma, and I had to take a step back to rationalize and process my emotions. In the moment, all I could think about was how it'd mean they were leaving me, and I'd never be able to move in with them (trying to distance myself from my family), and my life would be in shambles. Typical emotional charging.

But once I got on the phone with a friend and was able to wind down, I realized... this is what I want right now. I want the foundation of being friends, with heavy decoration of cuddling and other physical intimacy, without the weight or label of romance. I can say with confidence that I don't see this person being a partner of mine, and knowing the relationship has an end, in a weird way, is freeing.

This is where I start questioning my romantic attraction. In the past few years, I've only ever viewed relationships as an escape from my current circumstances. I can't think of a time I genuinely saw myself getting married as the Ultimate Declaration of Love - it's always been "marriage for health benefits, for security... but all of that also means being tied down". I've never really understood romantic attraction. All the things people say are romantic, I question why they have to be that way. Why is cuddling with someone inherently romantic? Why can't it just be... intimate, without any further implications? Why is me kissing someone inherently romantic? I've looked at my friends and wondered what it'd be like to kiss them and cuddle them (and see some of them naked), but there were never any romantic implications.

I want to have an emotional attachment to D, but even if you took out every non-emotional barrier there was to enable us to date romantically... I don't think I would. I think what I have with D is what I'd want in a life partner or partners (still not sure if I'm mono or polyam) - of course we have an emotional bond, but there's no romance.

So then begs the question I hate to ask, because it's subjective and ultimately only I can answer this...

Am I aromantic? Or am I overthinking it all?