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Pay us monthly for accidental damage protection? Sorry, you damaged your product we can’t replace it.
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I think AppleCare plus loss and theft is a great deal. It would cost a lot to replace my iPhone 16 Pro, but for $13.99 a month I never even have to think about it. They will overnight me a new one if theft or loss ever happens. To me that's a bargain.
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AppleCare does not cover theft. AppleCare Plus Theft and Loss does, but that's not available for laptops, just phones, tablets, and watches. At least that's how it is in the US.