I decided to write out my anxiety thoughts to see if any of you can tell me if I'm completely bonkers. So for context I am a 23 year old heterosexual cisgendered man that has been diagnosed with extreme depression and anxiety. I constantly think the same thoughts over and over and no matter how hard I can't stop. My anxiety is based on two things: my desire to find romantic love and my poor self image, and my desire to not be disliked. I am constantly thinking about how ugly I am and how because I'm fat nobody will ever love me. Everytime I see a woman I think to myself that if she knew me she'd hate me because of how disgusting I am. I feel like even being in their presence is an insult to them because they deserve better company. I always think about how I don't deserve to be treated good, or even be alive and I try not to interact with new people because if this feeling. I often watch videos of characters from movies being killed and thinking about how I should be killed. I don't deserve life let alone the love I desire. I think on some level I know that romance won't fix me I just can't look at myself with any love. I'm not at risk of actually killing myself I am too afraid to do it but I have at times self harmed. I just also in general feel like people don't like me, that I'm a burden or annoyance. I feel like my friends also don't like me and that they're just putting up with me because they don't want me to be upset. I know that's not true but I can't stop thinking it. I don't know why I made this post I guess I just want somebody to know what my life is like in a place I won't be called a baby or crazy. Thanks for reading.