Sorry in advance if this is long, I can get a little wordy. Anyway, I wanted to share my experience in the hope that someone might learn from it. About two and a half years ago now, I got an offer for what I thought was a dream job. It was closer to friends and family, geographically where I wanted to be, was with an office that I could easily use to springboard to an even higher ranking position in a few years, and paid a lot more than my job at the time. Even if it meant I was going to leave where I had worked for about five years at that point, which was a generally supportive environment, this seemed like a no brainer, especially since everyone I spoke to during the interview was great.

Red flag number one came on day one. My new boss and her number two guy were going to take me to lunch. There, they were casually making fun of people who sought out help with mental health or wanted access to better mental health care. Being someone who had been diagnosed with depression, I bit my tongue. I was the new person and didn't want to immediately rock the boat.

And it only got worse from there. Anytime I would make a suggestion or contribute to projects, my ideas were shut down. When I volunteered to take on projects that fit my skillset or involved the kind of work I was told I'd be doing, I was told no. When I didn't have an encyclopedic knowledge of our rather large organization like people who had been there ten or more years had, my boss had a look of annoyance ceoss her face. Those times I was actually allowed to lead projects, other people on the team would just ignore attempts to get their contributions. And, silly me wanting to play the long game and maintain good relationships with coworkers, I'd end up taking the blame when projects ran long. Those times when I would get things pulled together before deadlines, I'd get blamed for my boss misunderstanding what her boss wanted or other circumstances outside of my control. And, beyond that, at the same time I was hired, they also hired someone else for the same job, but with a different title. Not only that, but they told me that she was the runner up for my job, so I always felt like I was looking over my shoulder.

This all took its toll obviously. My depression got to a level I hadn't experienced before. Now, I would spend hours a day re-reading the same paragraphs, trying to figure out if I missed any small error I could be berated for. Given my first day, I knew I couldn't say anything to my boss. Thankfully I worked with a doctor and got on antidepressants. My mood started to improve and things were looking up. Then, exactly six months in, I walk into a weekly meeting with my boss and am told I'm being fired. They "graciously" said they'll give me a few months in the office to find a new job a d let me take a half day. I'm understandably in shock. I come back in the next day early to speak to my boss, trying to save my job and am greeted with the question "So, do you feel all better today?" Fucking no, but I'm gonna try to get through this. Its unsuccessful and I'm told that what small portfolio of projects I've got are going to be reassigned elsewhere.

The next few months are awful and them clearly trying to get me to quit. They move my office off the floor with everyone else we work with because my boss found it awkward for me to be there. Not only that, but they do it while I was gone for a few days so I don't even know where it when I get back. Then, I have to move my personal effects to it by myself in the middle of the day in front of everyone. I can't do it after hours because they took my keys away and deactivated my key card access. Then, they proceed to uninvite me to the holiday party (like I'd go anyway at that point).

The timing now is important. This was happening the winter of 2019! Yup, I got fired right as COVID started! I had given my all to my job over the years. Who I was professionally defined who I was and my self worth. When all this happened, I was suicidal. I had a plan figured out.

But a funny thing happened, right at the tail end of my time with the office, we all were sent home because of COVID. Not going into the office, not taking that dreaded bus, worrying about running into former coworkers, and being at home with my pets did wonders for my mental health. Thoughts of suicide slipped away. After that job ended, I was able to find a part time position working remote someplace else. Even if it was much less and only would last until the end of the year, between it and savings, I had enough to survive for a while.

This let me figure out so much about myself, who I truly am inside, and what I want from my life. It was really the first time I spent time with me in my adult life. No school. No endless grind. No constant worry about money (not that I'm rich, just that I was making enough and saved enough to afford food and housing for a several months). Just me. And I'm thankful for that chance to figure out who my authentic self is, even if I had to trudge through nearly killing myself to get there.

Not gonna say everything is perfect, but it's better now. My new job involves actually helping people instead of just chasing prestige. I make less, but I like it more, I've got time to address mental health, pursue hobbies, spend time with friends and family, and actually live my life for me.