My partner and I have been together for 5 years. She has always wanted me to go with her everywhere she goes (to family events, out with her friends, even to run errands), which has always been a topic of discussion.

This week there were family dinners on Thursday, Friday and a lunch with her friends on Saturday planned.

I went on the Thursday, and since I had already said I would go on the Saturday and I was exhausted from work and the dinner on Thursday, I decided to stay home on the Friday (knowing that three days in a row would be too much for me).

At first I didn’t think it was an issue. The Friday dinner was with the same people that were there on the Thursday, so it was like I was not spending time with them at all. And my partner knows that I am very introverted and get very overwhelmed at her extroverted families large gatherings.

But when she came home, she made a comment that sparked a pretty big discussion. She said that if we were to ever get married, I would be attending her family events with her. And that she doesn’t want to choose between me and her family.

I have never made her choose and would never expect her not to attend anything just because I am not planning to go. And I agree that for special events important things I should attend. I actually do go with her about 90% of the time important or not, and if I know she feels it’s important I attend something, I will.

But I did have a conversation with her about the fact that it is exhausting and draining for me to go to gatherings like that, and by saying no on occasion I’m trying to take care of myself and make sure I don’t burn out (and also that I’m better company when I do go to things with her).

It’s not that I hate attending her family gatherings, more that it takes a lot from my social battery and if I hang back, I get (much needed) time to myself.

Without that time to myself I struggle, because my job is also very stressful and ‘peopley’, I take classes and have other commitments after work in the week, I also have to find time to run my own errands and see my own friends. There just isn’t any down time left for me to recharge.

My partner is very extroverted and hates spending any amount of time alone. And she just can’t understand. She said that she does, but I can’t help but feel she would be a little more compassionate if she did truly understand.

I have said to her that I am happy to attend all of the events that are important to her (and will probably, as I have until now, attend a lot of the others too), but that sometimes, if it’s not a big thing that’s important to her, I will need to stay home for my own wellbeing.

I don’t think it’s healthy for me to go everywhere with her and for us to never do things independently. I ended up telling her that if we a Re to continue to be together she has to accept this about me. She said that she will ‘try to accept it’ but doesn’t know that she can. And that she can’t believe that people choose not to attend all of their partners family gatherings.

She does come from a different culture to me, where families generally are a lot closer, so a lot of it may be that…but am I really that crazy? Should I go to every single family thing with her?