Am I wrong for dreading motherhood?

Hey, hello. I’m currently pregnant as I make this post. Originally, I had no plans for a kid or a relationship but I started seeing some nice guy and we have a little bit of an age gap. I’m (F18) turning 19 soon and (M23).

Before this, I had plans of moving away for college, getting a degree and travelling etc, the whole lot. But in getting to know this guy, I started liking him and he was really sweet. He knew I wasn’t on any form of birth control as I have health issues around the ones I’ve had in the past so my GP was looking for other options that would be safer for me prior to us having unprotected deed.

A few weeks later, I had start feeling sick and had every early pregnancy symptoms you could think off and we’ve had intercourse before and he’d pull out but this specific night, he was very wasted and stupid. One small decision that changed my life and plans, I don’t know exactly for the worse or best as of right now.

I had told him I was pregnant briefly and cracked a joke about getting rid of the baby as in that moment, I was truly unsure of what to do but I knew I wanted to stick to my original plans and chase my dreams. He told me he wanted to keep the baby, we were dating at this point in time.

The weeks leading up to this was filled with arguments and tears. Before we had the chance to have a intimate conversation between us two about making a decision that would be in both our best interest and the baby’s, he’d already told his family and booked time off work in advance for babies arrival and got in the process of getting everything ready for when the baby gets here.

I felt stuck and didn’t know what else to do, I truly felt like I had no other option but to keep it and push my dreams to the side.

For me, it was more than just my dreams. I didn’t want to bring a child in this world I knew I couldn’t give my best to and more than likely end up resenting but every option I’ve tried presenting to the dad has done nothing other than upset him and cause more complications.

I know it’s the consequences of my own careless actions. I’ve came to the point of sharing it with my friends and surprisingly, they’re all happy and excited and even offered to plan a baby shower. He’s excited to live together and live the picket white fence dream as he’s got a degree, a stable and good things going for him and now just a family to complete it.

I’ve been trying to share my doubts with him and my friends but it all circles back to me being a selfish C U NEXT TUESDAY.

I had just got my last paper back that I needed to confirm the move for college, I passed and I had found a place with my friends and a new occupation to the state I’d be moving to and instead of fulfilling and living that dream, I’m pregnant in our hometown and planning things and attending appointments for a baby instead.

So yes , I dread being a mother. I’ll never not look at that baby and think of the “what ifs” of me not pursuing those dreams.

He’s supportive of me still chasing my dreams and offered to support me, but with the exception that it’s limited to my hometown.

He’s a great person and I know he will give the baby the life and love it deserves and he’s proven and showed he’ll step up with her, the only good part about having her.

The only thing that’s stopped me from doing the unknown is the thought of me in another universe where id not met him and got that last paper to apply and move. I think it’s sweet to think that right now in there, I’d be settling in to my flat with my friends. Going out to a Friday night gig, attending parties for the first years and working a shitty retail job I absolutely hate and making just enough to cover cheap tasting meals that I’ll have to stretch out until the next pay and then left over money enough for me to get white girl wasted.

My friends and I had planned the future out together and when I had told them I was pregnant, they advised me to get rid of it and be on my way to chase my dreams.

To be fair, a week prior we’d spent hunting for a new job and looking at houses together, for some reason I cannot help but grieve that.

My friends in my hometown are on the same buzz, supportive but do activities that I am unable to attend as I’m pregnant.

And any other choice of friends, I am either not allowed to have around me because of certain habits deemed unsafe and puts baby at risk said by my boyfriend or just simply the fact they’re guys ( who all have girlfriends).

P.s I’d ask my boss at my current job for advice and confided in her saying I’m not sure what to do and that I’m getting rid of it ( before the dad announced it to his family on my behalf) and she had pushed her religion views on me and told me to keep the baby, “ it’s a blessing “ she says. “ you should be lucky he’s stepping up, a lot of people have to go through it on their own. She told me getting rid of the baby is a sin and I’d have to answer to God about it. At this point I’ve just given in and I feel absolutely weak.