My now-ex girlfriend and I were together for 5 years and started having sex almost 2 years ago. I always wore a condom even when she was on birth control (though she never stayed on it long). My reasoning is simple, we are young, in college, and not ready for a baby. And I don’t want to have to put her through a possible abortion. However she always begged me to not wear a condom/come inside her. Obviously I wanted to, extremely badly. But my brain won over my dick each time and I told her we’d go condomless when we were ready for a kid. I did spend extra on those “not there” condoms though.

Just last month she randomly told me she wanted to go on a break. Said she was in a bad place and couldn’t treat me as well as she should. I was hurt but she made it clear we’d get back together as soon as she got herself together. I told her I’d like to help her and she said we could be friends in the meanwhile but she wasn’t in a space to be a good partner. I understood and agreed but we talked every single day, all day long.

And then one day she dropped the bomb that she slept with some guy. Said she didn’t know why she did it, it was so stupid to do etc etc. And then said they didn’t use anything and he came inside of her.

I was gutted. I didn’t speak to her for that entire day despite her blowing up my phone. I eventually did a little bit and she maintained that she didn’t know why she did it and she still wants to get back together. But I just can’t imagine how she could “randomly” do something like this. She swore on her life she didn’t know him when she took a break from me and it wasn’t the reason she did it.

Now I can’t help but wonder if she just wanted unprotected sex. She was always asking me for it and then randomly takes a break and a month later has unprotected sex with a random guy. She didn’t say that at all but it’s the only logical thing I can come up with and it’s eating me up inside. Should I have just given in and taken the condom off? Did she need it THAT badly and I was completely blind to it? Is that why she left me after 5 years? I can’t help but wonder if this is on me.