I'm gonna be 21 in April, I'll be spending it alone as with every other special day or holiday, I keep thinking "hey maybe today will be a little easier" or "things can't possibly feel any worse, right?" Only to be proven wrong each and every time without fault.

I don't know what to do anymore, I haven nothing and no one, almost 21 years without a single moment of real happiness. I haven't spoken to anyone in weeks, I'm still on the dating apps and those haven't gotten anything in months, the very few times I actually get matched they leave immediately so in reality it's been over a year since anything came of them.

I'm completely and utterly alone, unloved, unwanted, and empty. The only thing I have is my knives and even they don't help me anymore. I just want one person I can love and give my everything to but not a single soul on this earth after a year of searching each and every day wants that from me and me alone.

It's Easter tomorrow and I just want to sleep through it. Everyday is agony but holidays hurt the most because I see all these happy couples spending a special day together while the closest thing I'll ever get to that is seeing other people experience it.

A treasure I'll never get to possess.

Does the pain ever actually stop?