This wasn’t supposed to be as long as it turned out to be but once I started writing I couldn’t stop. Sorry if it sounds like pointless/repetitive rambling, my head hurts and I’m trying to capture all my current feelings and thoughts.

I used to think I could stop drinking whenever I wanted to but now I don’t know if I can, or at least without someone else intervening or keeping me accountable.

I feel so alone in my social life because I feel like I’m the only one that deals with this as badly as I do. (Sure there’s a few people I think could slow down as well but they’ve been through a lot and no one I know seems to drink as much or as often as I do)

I’ve never had a wake up call where I’ve landed in hospital or a DUI. I have woken up alone and naked in a hotel and not remembered how I got there but I saw text messages from my boyfriend indicating I was on the phone with him on my walk there after my night out with strangers that I only had pictures of. That was a little bit of an awkward conversation the next day…

Can I fix myself on my own like I’ve been trying to do? promising myself every morning I wake up with a hangover? Or do I need someone to help me?

And if so, who do I confide in? A partner, parent or sibling that don’t drink? Or find a friend that currently still does drink excessively but would support me going sober? I dont think I know anyone that has struggled with alcohol and been able to quit entirely. At least no one that has drunk on weekends during the day alone and pretty much anytime she could when she was home. Finished a bottle of wine before meeting her friends for dinner and drinks during the week and maybe even two bottles on the weekends.

I’ve done months over the last few years (after the Covid lockdowns when I would say my alcoholism started) where I didn’t drink at all because I was happy and in an honest relationship with a guy who I could talk about it with. He and I agreed I didn’t have to stay off it forever but I could do months at a time cold turkey and focus on gaining muscle and losing weight. I’ve never felt better than those months.

But the little part of my brain every afternoon “arghhh!”. And I know it’s like a child (I read this from This Naked Mind with Annie Grace