A recent discussion has inspired me to write this. It won't be eloquent, or may even seem ridiculous to some, but I hope it can help at least one person. I know when I started out, I needed to hear anything and everything!

To spare you the gory details, I started blacking out at 18 in college, had my first seizure at 27 (had ZERO clue what withdrawal was, and I consider myself somewhat intelligent) and am now approaching 15 months of sobriety at 33 (two and half rehab stints, one dropped dui charge, two totaled cars, three seizures, billions of tears, and a few lost jobs/relationships later).

If I could tell somebody that is struggling, wondering where to start, I would say LOVE YOURSELF. I know most of you don't right now (I didn't), but it's imperative. I have no clear cut answer on how to do so, other than reminding you that you are stuck with yourself now, tomorrow, and forever. You might as well make the best of it. Start getting brutally honest with yourself, because while it may be hard and cringey to accept the worst parts of yourself, you can't change them if you don't acknowledge them. What motivates you? What scares you (REALLY scares you)? What do you like/dislike (about everything, including yourself). Literally get to know yourself again, or for the very first time. You HAVE to be your biggest fan, best friend, and biggest advocate because at the end of the day, nobody is going to change you or do it for you. You owe it to yourself to love yourself enough to stop feeling like shit all.the.time. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and you don't know what you don't know, so get curious and ask questions (including asking for HELP).

Do things you don't want to do, and get uncomortable. I can't tell you how many times I said "that won't work" anytime someone suggested something to me (read this, watch that, go to rehab, go to AA, pray, etc. etc. etc). Mind you, I said "that won't work" before even trying it, or at the very least, half-assed it. I never thought of myself as an arrogant person, in fact I despised arrogant people, but I can see now that that was pretty damn arrogant of me. I thought I was smarter than the professionals, the science, the people that came before me, and the addiction itself. I could just stop on my own. WILLPOWER! It just got worse every single time, including the consequences and repercussions. You can't grow as a person if you don't do hard things, try hard things, and get uncomfortable. Not every program or method or book will work or resonate with you, but you won't know until you TRY! Don't be arrogant (it will cost you a lot). Keep an open mind (you might already think you're open minded, I did, but if you're shutting suggestions down before trying, or only trying once, you are being a stubborn ass). The more you do this, the easier it becomes, and the more confident you become overall (who knew? I thought alcohol was supposed to do that for me).

Try your hardest to embrace it. Sobriety, and just the journey of healing in general, can be INCREDIBLY empowering. It's hard, emotional, annoying, monotonous, scary, long and any other negative word you can think of. But that leads to strength, growth, possibility, adventure, excitement, PEACE and any other positive word you can think of! Life will always be life, that's just the cold hard truth. The alcohol may fix it for a few hours or days, but then what? You're left bloated, and in some sort of disaterous rut. Making the choice to feel everything and face life head on can truly make you feel like superhuman. You'll find yourself thinking "holy shit...I did that, and I did it sober, I'm fucking awesome" (bc you are). Remember, feelings and emotions are fleeting. You won't feel like this forever UNLESS you continue to pick up. You've got to WALK THROUGH IT. With that said, give yourself grace. This is fucking hard, and mistakes will happen (whatever that may look like to you). Don't dwell on it, or on your past in general. It's done and gone. The best amends is getting better and doing better. Some days your biggest accomplishment may just be making your bed, or going to work and making it back home wirthout stopping, and that is and will be enough.

When I was feeling sorry for myself early on and like "why is this not working? I'm sober and still miserable/life still sucks", my therapist at the time asked me how long I had been drinking. I answered about 12ish years and she just looked at me (and then it took me a few seconds or minutes to be like "oooooh" bc, you know, brain fog). It took me 12 years to get me in her chair that day, so I certainly wasn't going to be HEALED in 12 weeks. It's a journey, but such is life. There is very little you can control in life. A FEW things you can is your attitude, mindset, discipline, and willingness. You can choose to sit in despair and look at it as "I can never drink again", or look at it as "in this moment, I CHOOSE not to drink because it no longer serves me". That's taking your power back, and that is truly loving yourself. I hope this helps at least one person.

PS. everything you think you need alcohol for-you don't. Literally nothing in life requires alcohol (it was a fun "ah-ha" moment when I realized that, I SUGGEST giving it a try).

PPS. I'm still a hot mess and figuring this all out. Turns out, you don't graduate on your one year and there isn't a finish line (except death)...news to me. Life is far from perfect, certain relationships still not healed, not a billionaire (or thousandaire for that matter), etc. but some pretty GREAT things have happened, doors have opened, minds have changed (including mine) and I am the most confident I have ever been. Still lots of work to do, but everyday that I (and you) am sober is a day where quite literally ANYTHING is possible!