I’m five months sober and I feel very alone. I’ll go to meetings and be the last person to leave from fellowship bc I just don’t want to be alone. I drank for years in total isolation. I don’t have friends outside the program and I don’t have family. People will be like, “oh I like how early this meeting ends so my Friday night is still open” and when I heard that, I felt kind of alien. Like, this is my Friday night plan. All I’m doing when I leave is going home and putzing around the house until I go to sleep. I’ve spent the last couple days really struggling not to relapse and I feel like a burden to everyone I call. When I talk to newcomers that I met when they were days sober, I’ll find out how much farther in step work they are than me and I feel like something is deeply unfixable with me.

I’m on step four and also started therapy. Both are bringing up a lot of shit for me and I don’t know how to cope. I’m normally pretty okay at sharing but these last few days, it’s been physically hard to talk. Someone asked how I was this morning and I almost just burst into tears. I just couldn’t be emotionally present during any conversation. It makes me want to skip meetings bc what’s the point if I can’t fulfill my obligations or participate but I’m already so close to relapsing and I don’t want to be alone.