I am a 26 year old female. I’ve had problems with addiction since I was a child.

I started drinking alcohol at 11 and doing drugs at 12. It has been 15 years where I have struggled and seen no end to the tunnel vision. Though it is not consecutive, bc I did have four years living with my dad as a teenager where I couldn’t drink as a Jehovah’s Witness.

From 19 to 23 I was married. Ever since I left him, I have struggled with abusive relationships and on again off again relapses and alcoholism.

My toxic trait right now is that I don’t think my alcoholism is the biggest deal in the world and that it doesn’t deserve the attention that demands. I feel like because I was relapsing on 7 drugs alcoholism feels like the least of my worries.

But is the thing that has caused me the most damage. — Growing up, I ruined my relationship with my grandmother, my mother, my brother, my sister, and I let my anger for the world control me through liquor .

Tho my mother did abuse me and I will never forgive her no matter what my age and no matter what my understanding, I do currently live with my grandmother to take care of her in her old age, and my brother and sister have moved back into our childhood home.

This is definitely a trigger for me. Something I cannot get away from because the guilt will consume me as well as these are people that I refuse to leave again because being here is my choice.

This makes me feel like I’m in a victim mentality. Because I feel like I can’t help myself when I’m in the same house that I was completely destroyed in for 15 years and I’m with people who think that they are owed x,y,&z from me because of what I did as a child when I was being tortured so that they wouldn’t be. — My mind is a mess and I don’t know if this is the start of the end of the conversation or where to even pinpoint what went wrong.

I just wanted to vent and I appreciate the space to do so. Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to get the weight off my shoulders. — I am the protagonist as well as the victim. It depends on the story you hear. Not looking for sympathy just a free zone to vent.