Hit four months sober a couple days ago. On step three. The last meeting I went to was on Saturday and someone told me I should start calling newcomers bc I’m not new anymore and despite the objective truth, it kind of hurt? Idk why and I don’t wanna write an essay about it but I feel like it boils down to the fact I feel like I’m moving at a snails pace bc I can’t stop isolating. Like what do I have to offer someone who’s probably on the same page as me.

I rarely call my sponsor. Our schedules are opposite so when I call, she usually can’t answer. My work schedule is crazy right now so I can’t go to in-person meetings except my off days and zoom doesn’t work as well for me bc it’s too easy to log out or mentally check out. I usually listen to speaker tapes on the train.

The whole time I’ve been sober I’ve found it extremely difficult to call other people besides my sponsor. I just get stuck in this loop of hyping myself up to call and just end up talking to myself and intellectualizing my feelings to death. It’s only when I’m doing good that I can manage to call people. When I’m doing badly, like right now, I get stuck and isolate. Like I’ve been wanting to drink badly for a couple weeks and only haven’t bc I don’t wanna die and I’m finally gonna not be homeless soon. I’m moving on Friday, but that’s its own issue bc I didn’t wanna actually do the program/get sober at the beginning. I only wanted to improve my situation and once I got an apartment, was gonna start drinking again. I don’t want to relapse, (and if I do, I know I’m gonna feel too much shame to go back to meetings bc I feel overwhelming shame for even thinking about it).

Isolating has been this lifelong coping mechanism for me and it feels like trying to reprogram my DNA at this point. I know the textbook answer is opposite action but easier said than done.