I feel like I just had an epiphany and I wanna talk about it but it’s late so posting here.

I was raised in a fucked up environment and a lot of that is religious trauma, so I struggle with the spiritual aspects of the program. I’m not really agnostic, but I really feel like god hates me and is hunting me for sport. Very much like that line Tevye says in “fiddler on the roof” where he’s talking to god and says something like, “do you just wake up everyday and think, what kind of trouble can I make for tevye?” I’m scared to get to step three bc how am I supposed to turn over my life to a higher power I’m convinced hates me.

People keep telling me to pray but I don’t really know how. Like, as a kid, it wasn’t the “god is an ATM” type prayer, but more so “god thinks you’re a degenerate so pray he doesn’t blow you to smithereens on judgement day” type. There’s a lot of lingering fear and anxiety and fear I’m not doing it right. I have a siddur but idk, it almost feels like a farce to use it. Like I’m not good enough or something? Idk how to verbalize it well.

I finished step one a couple weeks ago and my sponsor told me that my life story was like a list of near death experiences and that I’m very lucky to still be alive. People have been telling me that since I started coming to the rooms but it didn’t really sink in until then. She told me at one point, one of the roughest moments in the whole essay, not a death experience but still, “you know that was god right? That wasn’t an accident”.

I had a couple rough moments today and went to a meeting that turned out to be about the 11th step and prayer, which felt more than serendipitous. And in the meeting I was at yesterday, the speaker ended it by saying, “you know, you really have nothing to lose if you’re looking for a loving god.”

Once I got home, I had this thought like, if god really hates me and wants me dead, why wouldn’t I be dead already? There’s plenty of opportunities for god to kill me. I’ve been passively and actively trying to die most of my life already, I really shouldn’t be here. I don’t necessarily like the concept of “if I’m alive then god must be loving” bc I don’t want to think god picks favorites or something but idk how else to rationalize my existence at this point. Sorry for the ramble but ya know.