Disclaimer: It’s 6:00 AM and I am high-strung on caffeine, I apologize in advance if this might be a little hard to read. I will try my very best though, I swear. Also using a throwaway.

I met him when I was 19. Third year in college. I was at the lowest point in my life. I was going through a rough patch with my mom’s sudden passing and my relationship ending right after and like most of us here in AJ, I thought that a good fucking was going to make things a tad bit better. Hey, at least I wasn’t drinking myself to death, right? I hopped on to Tinder and swiped and swiped until I finally found someone that was good enough to scratch my itch.

After engaging in countless small talks and exchanging pictures, none of the guys I matched with on Tinder hit the spot. They were either too horny, too smug, or too lackluster—there was always something about any of them that irked me off.

A week passed since I started my hunt and it was starting to look grim. I was on my bed once again swiping the night away when I received a message from someone.

Hey, I’m his name and I’m 30. I am from the same area and would love to take you out. Hopefully I am not too late, or too old. :)

It took me a while to respond. He was one of the many people I matched with simply because I was mindlessly swiping right and not really because I was interested in them. I scanned his profile and he looked decent. Filipino-Chinese. 5’10. Engineer. I thought, how bad can he be?

I responded to his message and surprisingly, we clicked. We were both from the maroon school, plays DOTA, and were in need of some good fucking. He offered to take me out on a date to which I refused. I really just wanted to get laid.

He came over on a Friday night. To my surprise, he looks more attractive in person than he was in his pictures on Tinder. I invited him inside where we shared a bottle or so of beer and maybe a few laughs here and there. He was a good conversationalist.

Three bottles in and he started subtly touching me in the right places. Medyo nag-iinit na rin ako pero I kept my cool. Magkatabi lang kami sa couch ko, umiinom ng beer habang dahan-dahan niya akong hinihipuan. I was just chugging my bottle of beer when he started being slightly more aggressive with his movements. His hand which was just on top of my thigh is now placed comfortably on top of my crotch. I laid back on the couch and let out a soft moan, signaling him to continue. Ibinaba niya ‘yung hawak niyang beer at lumuhod sa harap ko habang binababa niya ‘yung suot kong shorts at underwear. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya bahang sarap na sarap kong nilalaro at nilalamas ‘yung dede ko. My face was heating up and I can feel the blood rushing through my cheeks. Without any further ado, he pulled my thighs closer to his face and started licking my cunt.

Mabuti na lang at nakaupo ako.

I felt my legs go limp as soon as his tongue landed on my clit. It made me unbelievably wet looking at him, my wetness and his saliva almost dripping down his mouth as he consumed me. I tried to suppress my moans but I failed so miserably. It felt as if I was in a trance. His eyes were locked on mine while he continued consuming me. He traced every inch of my cunt as he thrust his fingers inside my wetness. I groaned in pleasure. It. Was. So. Fucking. Incredible. His tongue and his fingers were working in complete synchronization and all I could do was squeeze my breasts and moan helplessly. I was rolling my hips as he started becoming more and more aggressive in thrusting his fingers inside me. I started begging him to go faster as I was about to reach climax. I moaned desperately while he sucked on my clit and fucked me with his fingers. After a few more embarrassingly desperate moans on my end, I came. All over his face.

Halos hindi ako makahinga sa sobrang sarap. It felt as if it was the first time I had my cunt eaten, no, the first time I ever had an actual orgasm. It was as if I was paralyzed, unable to move as I feel every part of my body still tingling in pleasure.

He started kissing me down from my cunt up to my stomach, then to my insanely hard nipples, up to my neck, and finally, my lips. Tasting my own juice from his mouth gave me a different kind of rush and quite frankly, mas nalibugan pa yata ako dahil sa lasa ng tamod ko. After our tongues were done exploring each other’s mouths, he instructed me to kneel down and pleasure him this time.

I positioned myself in front of his shaft and took a moment to appreciate how fucking glorious it looked. I started sucking his head while my hands gently fondled his balls. Admittedly, I was not the best at giving blowjobs at 19, but he guided me every step of the way. He held my hair up and started thrusting his shaft inside my mouth, almost gagging me. He decided to get up from the couch and stood the whole time instead. His hands were gripping the back of my head as he thrust his hips into my mouth. He was grunting and moaning as he continued face fucking me. A mixture of his precum, my sweat, tears, and saliva were dripping down my chin. He continued bucking his hips into my mouth until I eventually tapped out (I am sorry, my 19-year-old jaw wasn’t the most reliable when it comes to giving head) because my jaw was starting to hurt.

He apologized and pulled his shaft out from my mouth and wiped my face and fixed my hair. He kissed my forehead and carried me to my bed. We started making out on my bed, this time more passionate. He was a lot gentler and god, I almost thought we were in love.

He leaned down and caressed my hair while he positioned himself in front of my cunt and slowly inserted his fullness inside of me. Napapikit na lang ako ng mata ko habang binabayo niya ako. He was thrusting himself inside me in an almost sensual manner. It wasn’t too slow nor too fast, it was just the right pace for me to feel every inch of him. Even my moans weren’t as frenzied as they were earlier. All I know was that it felt spectacular.

We went on for almost half an hour and he eventually came inside of me (with a condom, of course). He pulled out and cleaned himself up and laid beside me.

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. I was about to speak when to my surprise, I heard him weeping. Sobrang nagulat ako pero hindi ako makagalaw. He kept telling me he loves me and that he was sorry I just laid there, completely shocked, while he was crying. I didn't know what to do. I was unsure if I should push him away or what.

After what felt like forever, he suddenly stood up, apologized, got dressed, and left.

I was bewildered. I didn’t know whether I should go after him or what. I was completely puzzled, and I thought to myself, sayang, best kantot na sana.

I was ready to log our night together as the oddest, yet greatest hook-up I have ever experienced when he texted me almost two weeks after that night.

Hi, May. I am really sorry about what happened that night. I really want to make it up to you. Are you free to go to Tagaytay with me this weekend?

I did not go to Tagaytay with him that weekend. I did not want to make our relationship even more complicated and awkward; it was a funny experience and I wanted to leave it at that. Instead, I spent the weekend crying in a fetal position in a corner of my room and drinking myself to death.

But life, as we know it, has its ways.

We crossed paths after two months at an event in UP.

Now, I am not going to force you to sit and read through all the boring details of the past 7 years that went by since that fateful meeting in UP.

Yes, that weekend in Tagaytay eventually happened and I also eventually became his girlfriend.

We had a couple’s sablay pictorial on my graduation, as every couple from UP does. Won countless matches on DOTA. Nag-travel din kami sa lahat ng sulok ng Pinas at pati na rin abroad. He helped me get through the four, darkest years of my life, AKA medical school. We regularly went out with old friends, became either a ninong or ninang of our friends’ kids, or groomsman or bridesmaid at their weddings. We celebrated every holiday with each other. We also have two kids, Pickle Juice and Honey Mustard (they’re both British shorthairs and we love them very much).

For six years, we were each other’s world.

Last night I went home and played with Honey Mustard for a bit before heading to the shower. I blow-dried my hair and threw myself on the bed. I scrolled through Facebook, and I saw that his mom posted a video.

There he was with Pickle, tearfully waiting as his bride walks down the aisle. For 3 minutes and 43 seconds, I watched the man of my dreams marry her; the very reason he was crying to me that one night seven years ago.

Edit: Hi! I’m sorry if this was all over the place. I understand some people were confused and want some questions answered, so here I am. Hopefully this clears up some confusion.

We met on Tinder February of 2015. I was 19, he was 30. Nagtatrabaho na siya meanwhile I was still working on my bachelors degree in UP.

Something that I failed to mention in my story: besides being both Iskos, we also shared the similar experience of going through a bad break up that time. Alam ko naman ‘yun right from the get go, I just didn’t know he was going to weep while he was giving me aftercare.

It was also one of the reasons why I declined his initial invitation to go to Tagaytay, because I knew he was probably embarrassed as hell and didn’t want to add salt to his injury. Hey, we all cope differently, right? Some people drink, some people cry after sex. No biggie.

But then we saw each other after two months in UP, and the rest you guys probably know na.

I think it was after our first anniversary, he told me na nasasaktan pa rin siya tuwing naaalala niya ‘yung ex niya and everything that went down in their relationship. Any sane person would have walked away. In hindsight, that’s probably what I should have done in the first place. Instead, tinanggap ko pa rin siya. I encouraged him to go to therapy, and he did. He got all healed and everything. Joke’s on me for thinking that it also meant he was over her.

I won’t elaborate na how we broke up, but the facts as to why we did were pretty simple: he loved her more than he ever loved me, so I let him go. That simple. There wasn’t really any other way to go about it.

I found out they were getting married a couple of months ago, I was invited but of course I didn’t go.

Hey, I have no regrets. I loved and I was loved. Sa anim na taon na magkasama kami, I made sure he knew and felt that. I am almost always never sure of anything in my life but that, that I am sure of. Even after all that’s been said, all that’s been done, I harbor no anger, no hatred towards him. I know he tried, and that’s good enough for me. He took care of me, held me, and loved me. That’s good enough for me. That’s more than good enough for me.

As to what I am going to do with my life moving forward, I honestly do not know. For now, I am just basking in all the pain.

Hey, if you ever come across this, I forgive you.

Cheers to everyone that loved and lost,

May.