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Kamakailan lang, I tried being a masseur... just to break the monotony of life.
It was a rainy evening (may bagyo atang pumasok sa Pinas) few months ago. I was tired because it was one of those busy days at work. Sakto, napagalitan din ng bossing earlier that day. I felt the familiar feeling of being lost, and cold, and lonely. Wala naman nang bago don. Basta, ang hirap i-explain ng feeling.
I opened Grindr randomly. Wala lang. Wala rin akong motivation to hook up. Ang tagal ko na ring hindi nabubuksan yung app to the point na I needed to update it. Then, someone messaged me if I wanted to have a massage. Medyo common iyong ganitong offer sa app.
And an idea sparked in my head. What if, ako ang mag-offer ng massage. Tbh, wala ring clear motivation kung bakit ko naisip ito. Siguro, para maiba lang. Siguro, just to feel anew especially. Magpanggap na bagong tao. Magpanggap sa mga taong hindi kilala.
So, I created a new profile. Feeling ko mas ipupush ng algorithm ang new profile. I put cryptic description pointing out na isa nga akong masahista, and I have learned the art of hilot from my family. To be honest, medyo may alam naman ako pero onti lang talaga and syempre, hindi napapractice maliban sa sarili ko kapag may masakit na balikat, kamay or what.
Ayon na nga. I created a new profile. After a while, may nag-inquire na sa akin. We even had a video call para raw "sure" na hindi ako scam. Nagpakita naman ako. I told him na ang alam ko ay hilot lang, and hindi totally iyong mga nao-offer sa spa. Okay, g naman daw. P800 for 1.5 hours. G na rin ako.
I walked to my "client's" place. He was booking a room na medyo malapit sa kung nasaan ako. On my way there, I bought baby oil and alcohol sa nearby convenience store. Based sa experience ko sa pagpunta sa spa, medyo ito ang basic needs. Para legit kahit papaano.
And then, when I met my client, I assumed a different identity. A straight guy trying to save money and resorting to hilot as a side hustle. May ilang grain of truth doon, but mostly lies. I know. To be honest, parang gusto ko lang talaga na may makausap at makasama at that dire moment na I feel so alone, but at the same time, be able to do it while still being anonymous so I can bare myself naked (figuratively lol).
Nagstart ang masahe. Kuwentuhan dito, kuwentuhan doon. Our conversations spanned from our day job (kung saan sinabi ko iyong industry ko, but in a different role). Then, we talked about politics, travel, culture. To be honest, maayos ang kuwentuhan. Hindi ko rin namalayan na lumipas ang almost 1.5 hours habang minamasahe ko siya. Actually, lumagpas pa nga kasi hindi ko naman ganoon na keep track iyong time, at syempre, hindi naman ako marunong tumantya.
Dahil alam kong may bayad at ayaw ko namang hindi mafulfill iyong primary reason kung bakit ako nandoon, tinatanong ko iyong client from time to time if okay ba yung masahe. He said okay daw. I hope he was not just being nice. Pero gusto ko masulit pa rin sa kaniya, syempre, kahit nagpapanggap lang ako.
After the session, I was already sitting on the side of his bed, checking my phone kung anong oras na. Naghihintay na lang ng bayad.
And then he asked me, nago-offer daw ba ako ng ES. Medyo nahihiya pa niyang tinanong. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Not sure if first time niya. Not sure if dahil kasi facade ko straight ako. Or kasi disente naman mga napag-usapan namin so baka weird if biglang ipasok ang topic ng ES.
I chuckled a bit. Part ng pagpapanggap. I said, pwede naman. He asked me how much. I said P2,500 kasama na masahe. I remembered this rate from one of my massage escapade na hindi ko inavail kasi wala naman akong extra budget for that (plus in my head, feeling ko hindi sulit if magja-jaks at chups lang kami hanggang labasan tapos done na na parang walang nangyari).
I thought hindi siya kakagat. Without any nego sa rate, sabi niya, sige.
I was down for it din. Siyempre, I made sure na it was worthwhile. Nag shower kami - romansa habang dahan dahang naghuhubad, at nagsha-shower. Pagkatapos, pumunta kami sa kama. I was trying to give my best. Hindi ko lang siya hinahalikan at chinuchups while doing it dahil part ito ng facade ko.
And then, I asked him sino mauuna. Ako raw muna. I gave way. Sa turn niya, it was a sequence of kinakain ko nips niya, and then I go up to his neck and to the back of his ears, and then balik nips, and so on. Nung lalabasan na siya, saka ko siya hinalikan. I pushed my lips harder habang nilalabasan siya. Iyong tipong sinanasabayan mo iyong puwersa ng pagrelease niya.
Ayon. Natapos na kami. Quick shower, and then nagbihis na ako. I got my P2,500. I got a temporary "escape" from my current reality. Sana, nafulfill din ng pagpapanggap ko ang mga pangangailangan niya - both sa massage at sa ES.
I walked home pagkatapos 'non. Ewan ko. The evening was silent. Tumila ng saglit ang ulan. Madilim ang langit. Enchanting ang mga ilaw ng mangilan ngilang sasakyang humaharurot sa kalsada, at mga bukas na ilaw mula sa nagtataasang gusali ng Makati.
I was at peace back then. Alam ko, masama mag sinungaling. Nothing justifies that. Pero back that, I felt like I was "appreciated." Like I was wanted.
From time to time, nagtatanong pa rin siya kung available ako. Hindi ako makareply dahil busy na sa totoong work.
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