Okay so mejo been a while since I’ve shared my stories here pero something happened recently na di ko alam pano ihahandle. So isusulat ko na lang dito. Hahah! Mejo mahaba nga lang.

Story time, 2018 I met this guy sa Tinder, we hit it off, naging bf ko sya. He was so perfect for me. Wala akong mairereklamo pwera cguro sa fact na he financially doesn’t leave any for himself. Laging gastos for everyone else. I also loved the fact that we had the same level of sexdrive. Never kaming humindi sa isa’t isa. Kalabitan left and right. Magkasama man kami or phonesex pag magkalayo pero basta we humped like bunnies. Kilala na sya ng buong pamilya ko both sides and umabot na sa point na he expressed wanting to marry me in the next 2 years.

Eventually, di ko alam what happened pero we got into this really bad fight, first time yun, mga late 2019 ganon, tas after non, a couple of months or so later, parang lagi na syang nanghihina and parang laging ang lalim ng iniisip nya. Tas umabot sa point na he told me na nahawa daw ata sya sa depression ko (officially diagnosed ako with MDD and I told him about this before we started dating into which he committed na he will be my support and he will understand my condition)..

Hearing that DESTROYED me. I loved this guy with all my heart and soul and I felt guilty to my bones kasi during that time di nag sink in sakin na di naman nakakahawa yung depression.

So ayun.. dahil don, I did everything I can to support US BOTH. I went to therapy, I took the meds na I didn’t wanna take before, ako na pumupunta sa kanya, I would cook for him, buy him things, play videogames with him, get off work early to come to him if he feels down so I can hug him and he would fall asleep on my lap.. Bumawi ako ng sobra sobra. I even offered to go to church ulit with him after me losing my faith. Para lang to show him and make him feel loved and supported.. Then the pandemic hit…

2020, after us celebrating our anniversary and both our birthdays, nag lock down. I was understanding na di kami magkita gang vid calls lang kami kasi nga wala naman sya car and ako kahit meron, mejo strict sa village nila. I did bear it all kahit parang sasabog na ung puso ko coz I miss him so much. Minsan his mom and grandma would say hi on the vidcall. Araw araw kami magkausap. Sanay kasi kami halos live-in na before pandemic. So anyways..

Fast forward sa end of 2020, isang araw nlng, I woke up around 6am my heart was pounding. I checked my phone, may notif ako sa messenger. Then may message request. I opened it and my whole world fell apart… Sabog.. I thought I was dreaming…

There it was the photo.. HIM CARRYING A NEW BORN CHILD. I was flabberghasted, only instinct I had was to call him. Confronted him and lo and behold, he admitted it. He fucked up and he got another girl pregnant.

ALL THOSE FUCKING TIMES I WAS GASLIGHTED. Apparently the true story pala was.. After that huge fight we had, he fucked another girl, few months later nalaman nyang nabuntis nya at di nya alam pano ihahandle since ayaw nyang maghiwalay kami. PUCHA YUN PALA UNG DEPRESS DEPRESSAN SYA!!! Tapos nung pandemic, pinatira pa nila ung babae sa bahay nila nung month na manganganak na to make sure na madeliver ng maayos yung bata kasi sa SLUMS area nakatira si babae. LIKE WTF?! The audacity din of his mother na pagtakpan at ienable sya when his dad did the same thing to them!!! After that he wanted to get married padin sana but iadopt daw namin yung bata. LIKE HA? Hahaha! So I broke up with him then and there, stopped helping him in whatever way, pulled out investments sa business nasinisimulan nya noon. All the contacts nila sa business na yun na ako nag refer, pinatigil ko.

After that I stopped talking to him completely and I went through hella therapy para lang mawala ung suicidal thoughts. I was hospitalized twice coz of reasons. I cried for a day. That’s it. Which caused me to sob for 2 days after my therapy session a year later. It was terrible di ko padin alam bat nangyari sakin yon. One thing sa therapy ko I had to reach out to him ulit so I can ask him things na di ko natanomg noon coz I shut him off right away, no closure. Andami pala nyang hinanakit sakin na never nya sinabi so never napagusapan. All the time akala ko okay kami.

So ayun. I healed, i tried to be a better version of me pero after that, i can never seem to be in a proper relationship anymore. Simula palang laging palpak na.

Anyways, fast forward, na trigger lahat to ulit kasi like recently, out of nowhere, kinamusta nyako ulit and all that then suddenly, told me “sorry may girlfriend nako”. LIKE WHY THE NEED TO TELL ME THAT?! Eh ikaw tong nangangamusta? Di ko ugali mang block tlga but after that message I blocked him. I just feel like shit why after all of this, bakit may lingering feeling ako na ako yung may kasalanan? Parang ako yung niloko pero ako yung miserable?

It sucks having old feelings get triggered out but… I guess, sometimes it is what it is..

Sorry sa nobela. 😅