Being cheated on is such a bummer, really.

We’d all quite like to avoid it happening, but it does happen. Even in the smallest amount.

If it happens, you’re then presented with a tough call:

Do you work things through and try to rebuild the broken trust?

Or do you call off the relationship, call it quits and just move on?

Been giving this advice for years because I want people to understand that cheating isn't something that happens out of the blue.

It's something that builds up over time, makes you snap, drives you over the cliff, and BOOM you find yourself free-falling, no turning back.

Yup, there's NO RESET BUTTON.

But there are three questions I'd want people who get cheated on, ask themselves to be open to introspection, and in turn be able to self-reflect.

1. Did I see this coming?

2. Could I have done anything to avoid this?

3. If I were in the same situation, would I have done the same thing?

If you answered a resounding "NO" to all of the questions, I think you're already going through the first stage of loss... DENIAL.

There are 5 Stages:

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

Acceptance.

Yup, being cheated on is also a loss. You lose trust, your perfect relationship, chances to get wed or have a family. So we deal with all the same things as to losing someone we love, because hey... that's what technically happens when you get cheated on.

So once you decide to end things, whether calmly or storm out... or both, you need to deal with all the stages of your loss.

But hey an important part of making that life-changing decision is understanding why the person cheated – and what their infidelity says about their view of the relationship.

Nah, fuck that, that person cheated, why the hell do I have to think about it?

It's for SELF-GROWTH, bitch.

So, YES you have to fucking know.

Based on research and sex experts, there are two distinct types of cheating, and knowing the difference is crucial.

No, this is not one way to justify cheating, IT'S TO UNDERSTAND IT.

So, one sex and relationship therapist, said that affairs can be separated into two categories:

A way to end a relationship

and a way to fill the holes in a relationship, (no, holes, like gaps, voids... such a dirty mind, I see).

She basically, she describes the first category as a ‘can-opener’ affair.

So that’s when you want to leave a relationship and don’t know how to do it, so you cheat, knowing it’ll break you apart.

This is intentional, yet the consequences are 50-50. So, they usually wade in the water than jumping into it completely.

Someone who is having a can-opener affair might not be aware of the exact reasons they’re doing it, some do so they’re acting upon it, but really, they’re just looking for a way to end their main relationship.

The overlap seems easier to them than confronting the reality of what’s gone wrong. Which is sad, really.

She said that women are more likely than men to have can-opener affairs. This isn't something misogynistic or the like. But based on multiple contacts with patients over time in her love and sex therapy clinic.

Men, meanwhile, are more likely to have affairs of the second type, as ‘a way of filling that one part of their life that their current relationship doesn’t’.

My girlfriend doesn't like anal.

My wife just likes vanilla sex.

She doesn't like public sex.

It irks her when we talk about sex.

Which can be things that a woman can complain about too.

An affair with someone who shares a fetish your partner isn’t into, or having an emotional connection with a different person because your partner is too stressed to talk things through.

The fact that their partner avoids things could lead up to this, eventually.

The person who has this type of affair doesn’t want to break up their relationship – they’re just trying to have it all.

Some people said their affairs enhanced their marriage or relationships, as they provided "thrill and excitement" and sex without the need to leave their current relationships. So those people fall firmly into the second category.

But there are some that truly cheat due to deep-rooted reasons or experiences: trauma, rage, low self-esteem, and/or narcissism that they want to transform into something "pleasurable". These things manifest in different ways and are oftentimes pushed to the edge and become addictions, which in the Philippines, isn't something we could easily get therapy for. It's usually just suppressed, so deep, that has long term effects. And this becomes an excuse to "normalize" such behavior that men are mostly cheaters, and women who cheat are worse than men.

An example would be a boy/girl who was a witness to his/her mother's cheating. This boy/girl quietly observed how his/her mother entertained men while their father is away in their own home. Then pretend to be fine like a Stepford wife when he comes home from work. He/She see his/her dad devastated after finding out eventually.

When that boy/girl grows up, he/she might be outspoken or stay mum about that trauma. Eventually that trauma with eat him/her up, and would cause trouble in maintaining relationships. Either he/she would grow up hating cheaters---by sleeping with them and hurting them emotionally to get even with cheaters OR that he/she becomes one his/herself, which is sleeping with other people to know the "satisfaction" his/her mother felt. In both occasions, his/her anger was turned into pleasure, specifically sexual pleasure, and this is what eroticized rage is. That's where the "kink" comes from.

Let me reiterate, this is not to justify cheating, but to understand it.

If those reasons: trauma, rage, low self-esteem, and/or narcissism won't be addressed and dealt with, the cheating wouldn't stop. It can be transformed into another addiction, like gambling, alcoholism, drugs, and even shopping.

And these people won't care "how much" or "how they're getting it", as long as they can get pleasure from their "pain" they'll be okay with it-- and that can come as sexting, nudes, videocalls, spas with happy-endings, prostitution, paid BDSM, and others... because what they're addicted to is the "trance" which is the pleasure you get from sex without the affection or love, it's purely sexual gratification. This "trance" is the equivalent of "high" from drugs.

And only intervention, constant communication, and a good support system can help deal, if not stop, cheating caused by those deep-rooted reasons.

Now, question is, which category does your cheating experience fall into?