I grew up in a Catholic house. I’ve always been attracted to girls since I was a little kid. At that point in time I would have thought I was straight (not that I knew what any of this meant at school age).

I was socially awkward, but made close friends with one girl(S) in 6th grade and spent the rest of my life being her best friend. I think I had a crush on her once early on. We end up going to the same Private High School. I hate every male experience, the locker room, the social life. But I managed to avoid it for the most part. I hung out with S and her friends. I felt like a girl, but I never was, I was be withheld certain information just because of man. I mean what is that? I don’t feel like I’d be happy as a girl either. So I sorta played that middle-ground for a long time. Just part of a close friend group of me and 2 others.

I maybe had one or two male friends but that’s because S introduced them to me. I can’t stand how men talk about women. When I got to college, S and I went our separate ways. Thrust into an unknown environment I was focused on finding a group. I found myself in a more mixed friend group then I’ve ever been in. Being in male only spaces made me sick to my stomach, specifically when they talked about women.

Thankfully, though my current partner was in this friend group. And that’s how I met them. K is amazing, and that’s when I started learning about more queer culture (My Catholic education was actually quite nuanced on this, learning about Tennessee Williams and the oppression of gay people during McCarthyism, obviously it’s not a lot but it’s more queer history than many of my friends got at public school). But K showed me music and I really don’t identify with the way men talk about women. Queer culture seems more me, when I hear the way another woman talks about how they love, that’s how I feel. Seriously, listening to Chappell roan felt like my identity was being revealed to me. It panged through me, I could feel my heart racing with all the emotion I was feeling listening to sapphic artists.

What do you think?

Edit: lots of replies I’m gonna address some key points

• So a lot of people seem to think I have an attraction/fetish for lesbians because of this label. But that’s not true at all an a little offensive. I’ve always felt that lesbian fetishism is an attack. But I had never really considered myself it.

• The reason I feel this way, because I feel the most myself when alone with my partner. Kissing them, telling her how pretty she looks and then her saying the same.

  • Some people suggesting GNC. I present really masculine as well as being a man, I feel like GNC is not really accurate unless we are describing my sexuality which I really think is separate from my gender identity. I sometimes feel a lack of gender, but still love my partner. Is their another term for this?

Edit 2: More context added in HS section and correections in College portion, removed calling myself sapphic as many people said I should not

• So I have been defensive to people in the replies and probably hurt some people with the post, and I am sorry. I think Queer Love is a more accurate term to ascribe myself, but now I am worried.

• I still don't think this gets me anywhere in terms of finding out why I felt that way or how to capture the Euphoria I have had in the past as identifying with lesbianism (which i am sorry for now)