TW - Don't read while age regressing

Lately, I’ve been grappling with the reality of my current situation and the so-called “caregiver” in my life. I keep in touch with him (not often and not 24/7), but I know deep down that it’s just a temporary fix. He fills his own ego by using me, treating me as if I’m just another possession. While he doesn’t sexualize me to an extent like others have, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not here for the right reasons. I can feel it: I’m just a little more prioritized than others (perhaps other littles/AFAB he is talking to) because he might find me prettier, but I’m still just an option, not someone he genuinely cares for.

My chosen family member, mentioned the complexity of my situation—how it’s hard to gauge what’s worse and the “necessary evils” that help me survive another day. It feels like I’m only doing what I think I must to survive overwhelming abuse at home, to seek the attention and affection I desperately need.

Every day, I wish for freedom and peace, a place of my own where I can escape the pain and abuse. I envision a cozy room filled with comforting things—a pink tent with cute comforting bedtime stories, plushies, and toys that help me feel safe. I want to hide in that tent when the world feels too overwhelming, painful, scary, unsafe, negative and have my true caregiver there to support me, to hold me, and make sure that I’m okay.

It’s heartbreaking to think that I’ve never truly felt safe with anyone. It feels like nobody wants me as their child—neither my family nor my friends. I feel so isolated and rejected, and it makes me question the purpose of my existence in a world that doesn’t want me. I often wonder why I seem too broken for anyone to care, even though I have so much to offer.

This longing for care feels so fundamental. I know I’m just a child inside, yearning for the kind of love and protection that everyone deserves. I wish I could find someone who sees me for who I truly am and understands the depth of my needs.

The search for a genuine caregiver is proving to be more difficult than I anticipated. It feels as if no one wants to step into a platonic caregiving role; everyone seems to lean toward romantic relationships. I just don’t understand why. Shouldn’t caring for someone, especially in a nurturing way, be about providing support and understanding without the expectation of romance? It feels so frustrating and limiting. It denies the true purpose of caregiving and devalues what I’m looking for.

Everything feels hard right now, and I’m left feeling lost. The kind of support I need feels so far away, almost unattainable. I just wish there were people who understood that caregiving doesn’t have to come with romantic ties; it should be about connection, care, and kindness. I’ll keep holding onto the little hope that one day, I can find that kind of relationship—one that truly meets my needs and allows me to feel cared for in the way I deserve.

But still, I struggle with the feeling that nobody truly understands me or sees the child within. I want to bridge the gap between my dreams of safety and my reality, but it often feels impossible. I just want to be held, to feel secure, and to know that I am wanted, that I am enough. That i don't have to fight or put on so much just to get the care, love and safety i was hugely denied from.