Even with a few people I was really emotionally intimate with, sex has always felt very performative. I’ve had at least 70 sex partners.. (15yo-23yo). And for the last 4 years - none. At its best, sex is fun but too vulnerable. At it’s worst, I feel like I shutdown and I’m being SA’d again.

So in the past, I basically pretend (ie: like it’s not happening to me, I’m not there, or I don’t know that person, or some other weird fantasy). Hence why random dating app and club hookups were my thing. Lonely person here.

Sex makes my body feel like it’s not mine. But it has satisfied (sometimes me, but mostly) others, so I’ve given it. Now I don’t. I’m out as of last year.

Kissing, making out, some sexual stuff that basically stops at hands/grinding is awesome. I Love It!!. It’s exciting because it feels like I’m really there and present and the passionate feeling of connecting with someone I really like.. but that is why things get heated. Next thing I know, the person wants to go further. It’s expected.

As I’ve started to figure out what I like in particular, I feel like I’m asking too much.

I can’t go further, sex creeps me out and I want everyone I love to have it with others (poly) But I have no idea how to not awkwardly have this convo with partners.

Because sex is something I’ve done so many times, I often freeze up and just go “sure”. Sometimes it feels too easy to cave, like fawning. Childhood history of CSA, autistic, hence it can be hard for me not to please others to avoid conflict.

Everyone Ive ever met always wants more than what I say I want to do. They say they don’t mind. They will take it at my pace. As if sex is a place we will get when I am ready. It’s not for me.

Any advice? I don’t want to figure out how to have sex again. I thought I was sex positive for so long but I was just hypersexual because of trauma, desperately seeking some sense of belonging and validation.

I would love any feedback that is kind and nonjudgmental. I’m lost.