I have, some time ago, started a journey of self acceptance and self discovery. Since then a lot has changed inside my head, though other can't see... i feel better, i suppose.

This journey has included finding my sexuality, which is still very much a work in progress. For the longest time i believed i was bisexual, and this belief is what i communicated to people around me and developed; although, recently i discovered asexuality and its ramification: i thought, for sure, if i had fantasies, i absolutely could not be asexual; yet here we are.

Here is the thing: my sexuality has fluctuated over the years, and has been heavily warped by (what i believe to be) trauma, and very negative experiences which i am not willing to share, nor i have the strength to unravel; i believe -some time ago- i really was bisexual, perhaps, but not anymore, now this sexuality, whatever it is (probably the one in the subreddit name) has solidified.

My main question is this: how do i accept and love something that is caused by and related to negative experiences? How do i love an apple, however beautiful, born by the abhorrent tree of my poisoned psyche?

I also believe -and this, i am willing to share, that aegosexuality could be caused by, at least in my case: self hatred. This is a problem i fight with still, an inescapable disease, it seems, but i am trying. The removal of the self seems easy to link to this: you hate yourself personally, you hate your soul and you hate your face, so you remove it from something that is about pleasure, no? In this sense, could my sexuality be "cured" by curing the self-hatred?

And the question persists: how do i love this? I want to accept it, i want to be kind, but it is hard.

People's words are of help, i appreciate any insight given. Also, do not suggest therapy, please, i am already in therapy but the process is long, and many things i'll have to do for the conversation to lead to this problem with my psychologist.

Either way, thank you for reading, and have a great day.

EDIT: It is unlikely i was truly bisexual in any time of my life, i just said so to "not exclude anything"