I’m slowly trying to overcome the immense shame I feel in order to finally share my experience with people close to me. I could use help in defining it. After reading my story, how would you label it? (Assault? Abuse? Grooming?) What am I a victim/survivor of? What would I accuse my perpetrator of?

How would you describe it in a sentence or two? I’m basically looking for a short description because at the moment I feel like I need to go off about all the details in order for people to understand it all.

Sorry for the long text. But my story follows right here:

I was a 16 year old, shy & naïve boy. Among other problems, I was having a hard time dealing with my parents splitting up. Sex was a taboo at home, so I secretly explored porn etc. online since I had a PC and internet access in my room.

One day I came into MSN chat contact with a 28 year old man. He manipulated me into believing two specific things:

1. Watching lesbian porn was a sign that I had gay feelings (as a cis boy)
2. His girlfriend was happy to help me lose my virginity, and he was okay with it as well

I still have a hard time forgiving myself for agreeing to meet him at his house. Once there, his girlfriend did show up, but she was being a bit distant and awkward. I was super nervously waiting for the ball to start rolling but the topic of sex never came up.

Eventually his girlfriend stated they had to leave soon. After which he walked up to me to tell me that his girlfriend wasn’t feeling it today, but if I wanted to, he would ‘help me out’ instead. I remember him touching and guiding me, insistingly… I think I said ‘okay’? I hate myself for it, But I’m slowly starting to realize that there was an ‘illusion of choice’.

He led me into their attic, tw (short description of sexual act): and proceeded to orally stimulate me to ejaculation. I remember feeling overwhelmed with very conflicting sensations and emotions.

While he was with me in the attic, his girlfriend was waiting for us downstairs to finish because he was going to drop both her and me off. No word was spoken on what happened but it was obvious the girlfriend knew about it.

After he dropped me off I remember hastily deleting his phone number and all texts. I just considered this a weird, uncomfortable experiment I was going to pretend never happened and go on with my life.

But with hindsight now 16 years later, I’ve started to realize how badly he manipulated me and how predatory he was. It hurts to realize a lot of the problems I’m dealing with nowadays have definite roots in that specific experience. I’m working on blaming myself less, but it’s tough.