(M) Can’t sleep, my mind is working overtime trying to process all these thoughts and feelings… so maybe me spouting them on here will kinda help.

I’m currently on the waiting list for therapy, I knew the wait was gonna be long and was prepared to wait. But now that it’s been an extra two weeks over the projected waiting time it’s getting to me. Some moments I feel like I’m gonna explode if I dont get my first appointment soon, other times I feel like I should just blow the whole thing off.

A few weeks ago I opened up a tiny bit about my story to a person I know for the first time. It’s an old friend and classmate who I only ever see like once every two years. And I’m conflicted how I feel about it. His response was great, but I hate how ‘real’ it makes everything feel… Not sure if I actually regret opening up about it or it’s my mind playing tricks on me…

Another thing I’m hating is looking in the mirror… I’ve had long hair for several years now but due to a skin thing on my scalp I decided to cut it short again so that putting on the cream my doctor gave me is less of a hassle to wash off… thing is, I’m now 32 years old and now that my hair is short the gray hairs are really starting to show on the surface.

I hate that on multiple levels:

I used to not have a problem with them, I hate that it is bothering me now…

I hate that it reminds me that even though I’m trying to reclaim my life, I’m not gonna be able to pick it up from my younger years… no those teens and twenties are gone, taken, wasted…

I’ve started turning grey pretty young… but I just know that the stress has just made it worse and go much quicker…

And on top of that the greying hair slightly reminds me of my abuser…

All this comes back to being frustrated I didn’t realize what has been eating me up inside and gotten help sooner. Hence why I hate that I’m still waiting on that first appointment… But also I don’t want to build up this expectation that finally getting that call will give me the relief I’m looking for, all at once. Because I know that is unrealistic.

Anyway, thanks for reading, not sure if anyone would get anything out of this, but at least I got some of my thoughts formulated and in order.