I’m a 31 year old male. Dealt with depression in my late teens/early twenties. I thought I was over it but in the last few years I’ve slowly come to realize an experience I had when I was 16 was in fact super not okay…

And that maybe trying to forget about it happening or disregarding it as possible abuse/assault might have something to do with the problems I’m dealing with right now. There’s a huge feeling of shame regarding it…

In the past weeks I’ve finally cleared my schedule and worked up the courage to take steps towards applying for therapy…

Like the title says, I want to feel proud or relieved, but theres an intense feeling of anxiousness building inside me. I am scared to confront it or talk about it… My jaws are starting to hurt since every time I think about having to talk about I automatically clench my teeth…

It is extremely hard to think about opening up about any of it and having to actually talk about some of my deepest and darkest secrets that I absolutely despise about myself….

In order to get therapy I’m gonna need a referral by my doctor, and that is the last step to get the ball rolling in order to get help.

That’s where I’m at right now, next week I will go to my doctors appointment and for the first time ever open up a tiny bit about my struggles… And THAT is scaring me rn.

I’m scared that I’ll bail on the appointment, or that I won’t be honest about what kind of help I need, or that I will break down or in whatever other way I’ll be super overwhelmed.

I just hope that venting about it here helps me calm down a little.

Take care everyone and thanks for reading