I've been wanting to talk about this for a while, I haven't told anyone because I'm afraid of how I'll be seen and I'm afraid of getting her or myself in trouble. But I have to give some context in order for any of this to be understandable. This 'relationship' was online for most of it. I'm from New Zealand and she's from the Netherlands.

I should also mention that this is really an upsetting thing that happened and this should sort of act as a trigger warning for a lot of stuff. naturally I've changed names and stuff because I haven't told this to anybody outside of a few close friends. Anyway, Its a long story but I'll start from the beginning.

I was in a weird mix of a friendship and a relationship with a guy when I was really young. His name was Tom. We met up at the lakes when I was 11ish, he was a month or two older. Honestly he was somebody I think its fair to say that I really loved, we got on really well and I liked him as kids do when they start to figure out relationships. looking back on those times it was really sweet, he was a really amazingly lovely, loving kind, Mature and happy person. Eventually we both had to leave because we were only there for a few weeks and we had to go back home for reasons. he lived in another country and was only here because his grandmother (I think it was his grandmother, I'm not entirely sure) lived in New Zealand.

After we went back home we kept in contact and we talked almost everyday. it was weird because I couldn't see him face to face but we found our ways of keeping in touch. we would try to videocall and leave messages for each other when we could, we tried or best.

Eventually for him things started to go downhill, for me it was scary because I wasn't sure what to do and we were both really young and we understandably hadn't experienced something like that before. He started to do a lot of thinking and figured out that he was bisexual or homosexual, but he lived in a space which was not accepting of that identity. I don't want to get into details but it got really rough for him and for me only able to sit there and watch his decline without knowing what I could do. this happened when I was twelve.

I wont go into this period of my life too much but things were good for a while. Towards when I was almost fourteen I could see that he really started to isolated himself, we got into a massive fight, it was upsetting on both sides. I felt like my world was falling in around me, it was really upsetting and frighting to see that our relationship started to go really downhill, my parents were also seeking to get a divorce at this time and so for me everything was changing and I was loosing control. Two weeks after we had our massive fight he called me up and apologized over and over to me, I didn't know why he was doing that and I got super scared; he said that he loved me and then before I could react he took his own life.

I cant really emphasize how traumatizing this was for me. I still really struggle with what happened and I still struggle to accept it. it really fucked me up. I don't want to skip over anything and I know in telling Tom's story that I have, but I don't want to keep going over it because I know that in my head I could never do it justice. I don't blame him for doing what he did. we were both scared kids at the end of the day, young scared kids who didn't know what to do and although I don't agree with what he did, I understand.

I fell into a really dark place after that. I got more into videogames and stopped talking to people. I cut almost all contact with my friends and if I'm being honest, I felt like my life was over after what I had experienced. Eventually I made a Facebook and I started playing this game called Wizard101. I felt like I was more happy being online than I was in the real world. I felt so lost without tom and so trying to exist online gave me some comfort. I felt like I was still alone in my room, but I was somehow less alone because of having so many online connections. I started to get good at the game. I had worked on leveling up my accounts and meeting people online.

I joined a lot of the Wizard101 Facebook groups and this one girl started posting. I wont say her name but I'll call her Ivana. Ivana was 16 turning 17 in about two weeks and I was just barely 14. we started messaging about the game because I was really wanting to run a dungeon with her, but she started turning the conversation away to other stuff which she shouldn't have. She sent naked photos of herself and begged me to send photos of myself back, She started pressuring me saying that lots of guys do it and that she wanted to see, I felt like I didn't have a choice. I felt like I had no other choice but to send some photos of myself to her, so I did what she said. I did what she told me to do.

As an adult now, I know that this was wrong. I can see how messed up and disgusting this was and I feel sick just thinking about it. really I feel ashamed of being taken advantage of like that. it didn't stop there. Over the next year things would get so much worse, she would ask me to do more and more stuff and start suggesting to do some disgusting things. I've danced around saying it but I can fully say that she's a pedophile. she likes young boys and has openly bragged about getting off to a video of child pornography and of a five year old boy being sexually assaulted by a man in his thirties.

On several occasions she had asked me to sexually assault my adopted male cousin (I never did) and she would ask me to do more and more stuff to myself that I would find uncomfortable. it was disgusting and even at the time I would tell her how disgusting I felt by all of it. I hated it and I hated how I felt knowing that she had that control over me. I felt like I couldn't leave because it got to the point where I felt like she was my only human connection, like I had nobody else and that I was somehow tied to her an that I couldn't leave. I felt like I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even speak up because if I did she would go and I would be on my own again.

she would also say things like "Don't go to the police about this, I'll get in trouble" . she would say how much she cared about me and that it wasn't just sexual. I believed her. I grew to love her after a while and I would talk to my friends about her. One friend who I'll call Corbin. Corbin stated talking to her and they started doing stuff together. this would have been when I was 15. I told him because I was getting scared of what she was saying, he ended up messaging her and bragged about how much better he was compared to me, all the while I told her how uncomfortable with this I was with her, both of them would show me screenshots about how pathetic and small I was, they would talk about my looks and how she loved him more over me.

Ivana eventually started saying that she loved him and that he was her "Panda", that really hurt because she had never told me that she loved me and she had always called me panda. But she would keep asking me to send stuff along with doing stuff with him. I felt so used because I felt like I was just an object to her. eventually she would make me do things to him. even though I had verbally said that I consented, I felt like I was only doing it so I could get some kind of affection or praise, or something just to feel like I mattered to her.

when I was 16, It got to the point where I was really struggling mentally and physically. I found it difficult knowing what I knew and knowing what she was, who she was. I even tried reporting her but it was written off as me "asking for it." and several male police officers and my councilors saying that I was either making it up or that it was my fault. I felt like I had no other way out. I had stopped eating and I started wanting to not be alive anymore. Because of Ivana and Corbin's actions I wanted to die. Eventually Corbin got angry at me and stopped doing stuff with her, knowing what I was going through. He didn't care that I was suicidal, but he did care that Ivana was worried that I would kill myself because of her and Corbin's actions. He ended up stopping although I guarantee that He would have continued if I hadn't attempted to take my own life.

After that I cut ties, she would try and still does try to reach out to me every now and then. Now she claims that she only wants to be friends and that she misses me but I cant even think about her without feeling sick. This was someone who had emotionally abused, manipulated, gaslit and groomed me with no remorse. I hate her. I hate her with every bone in my body and I hate what she did to me.

I tried to reach out to authorities on several occasions and nothing. nothing was ever done because of it. because of her I still have difficulties forming connections and friendships with people. its incredibly difficult living in the aftermath of what had happened, I developed an eating disorder from her comments and I have a lot of emotional baggage from everything that happened. It didn't help that when I told people about it, I was always told that I was asking for it or that I was lucky or that it was hot and the dream situation for a guy. that or that I had made it all up. that is one thing that really frustrates me. I hate not being taken seriously about my experience with her. I even sent proof of who she was at one point, I sent it to her workmates, her family and friends. none of them believed me or thought that I was making it up. I know she's moved on and doesn't think twice about her actions. but I still feel sick when I think about them.

Ivana has never apologized to me more than the words "I'm sorry now I want to move on from talking about this" and she only admitted it recently. She has shown no remorse about any of this. neither of them did. I never got an apology from Corbin and it turns out that Ivana had been using both of us to cheat on her other partner, who had no idea about who she really was. she claimed to get into a really dark period about being found out about all of this but that she has no remorse over her actions, only that she was caught.

recently she tried coming back into my life. I didn't let her. She knew that i was and still am struggling, not only with what happened with her and that period of my life, but also that I'm going through other issues with my family. I think that Its safe for me to say that I hate her and what she did. When I tried bringing up our past, she got angry and upset with me and told me that she isn't that person anymore, Even though I know for a fact she lied about so much. I don't have any reason to think shes doing this to other kids now but I don't think she's stopped. She's a horrible pedophile. what really upsets me is when I did try to talk to her about this, she brushed it off as something small. it was something that affected me and still affects me. It will probably stay with me for the rest of my life.

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I don't want to keep talking about this. frankly this whole thing makes me sick. Each day is still an uphill struggle but I'm trying not to let this define me. I'm sorry if this was triggering or disgusting to read but this was something that I had to speak up about. thank you for reading.