It's like, I can feel intensely attracted to a dude's voice, for example on a podcast or video, and it's a way that my brain can still rationalize and not fear being attracted to men/older men. Without the full realisation that they're an older dude, a demographic that my brain knows caused so much harm to me and could again if I'm attracted to them, but my brain latches on to their voice and feels attracted by that.

It’s like that I can entertain the idea of being attracted to a man, without the full realisation that they’re an older man that once I see their appearance my brain realises "oh fuck, no no no no this is wrong I can't be attracted to that"

I've also come to a recent realisation that I've stopped watching a lot of content I had previously really liked, because I'm attracted to the dude in the video, and it makes my skin crawl having that attraction to an older man so consequently I stopped watching it (without consciously realising why)