Quick background: I’m male, and now 49. From my earliest memories, around 4, I was sexually abused by my brother who is 10 years older than I am. This went on up to and through being 18 when I would turn sexual favors for him into things like staying at his place to have my gf over or for getting alcohol for my buddies and I.

My mom was busy having her affairs. My dad spent all his time at the office and my other siblings were their own issues. So this brother was my source of attention as a kid.

In turn, this developed an unhealthy need to get attention through sexual gratification. I did a LOT of stupid things in my life. The only one that I don’t regret is marrying an incredible woman who has helped me battle these demons and the bipolar and other crap that just seems to pile on one’s life.

I finally, after a decade of therapy for the bipolar, addressed the abuse. This past couple of months with weekly or more often sessions has been…difficult to say the least. I’ve finally come to realize how unhealthy my actions have been.

But now that I’ve seen all of this, I’m being left with a sense of emptiness where once was an insatiable sexual drive. I feel, hollow.

I know I am sitting here with an opportunity to rebuild who I am, but I’ve become almost afraid of sex now.

Has anyone else ever gone through this? Am I just being stupid? I’m at a huge loss right now. I have sessions coming up and my doc has been fantastic but I’m, I don’t know, embarrassed to discuss this with her. I know I need to, but , I just don’t know much of anything right now.

Sorry for the insanity, and thanks for any help.

Edit: a typo