So, I really want to be able to talk more with my therapist about some details of my CSA that make me super uncomfortable... but, I find even though I write down lists of what I want to say/discuss I'm not sure how to even formulate the words/sentences? In a way that is objective and not... I don't know, like how stupid I was or making a joke or with some things just what language to use...

One other more niche thing... for those of you that have struggled with arousal non concordance type stuff related org*sms, how long did you see and discuss stuff with your therapist before you could disclose that that.... happened? I tend to be vague and then kick myself because I wish I could have told her some SOMEONE else can know and help me carry the load of the worst and darkest shit I can't even tell my friends thays coming up tenfold... I really need someone to talk to. I look and I don't ever know how to start talking or what to even say. All of it is hard I think I just especially worry that this could change her opinion of me? I'm similarly struggling to figure out how to... confess? To her that I've been hooking up with an unhealthy guy... that fetishizes my shit but feels comforting and after getting more into looking at childhood photos and triggering memories I've just wanted... to be held? And loved? Like I did as a kid and he said was the invitation for all this shit? And I'm doing it all over again? Finding some sick guy to validate me? I feel like she thinks I'm this good person.. she complimented that I've surrounded myself with good people... and now this?

I got triggered to hell taking my college exam in the separate room in our accessibility office that looked just like His office. At this point I just hope I fucking pass. I've been losing it, i spiraled and had to leave to puke, panic attack, try to be able to hold the damn pencil again, but I needed to DO it. I hear His voice ringing through my head "it's one thing to be a whore, I will not have a fucking r**ard." It took me all session to tell my therapist one detail that I hardly described past... a brief allusion/description. I feel so far away. Then I get so into myself I get nauseous. So nauseous I end up puking and triggering a whole other panic. Just feeling alone and heavy and idk. Fucking ashamed. Why am I fucking like this?