I just needed to put this somewhere. I feel like I should have known better, that this was really obviously fucked up and trying to trick me, why didn't I realize that? I want to tell my therapist but I'm afraid that she'll think that yeah, it's so obvious it's not believable I wouldn't have known, the only way I wouldn't see it is if deep down I did want to do this.

As a kid, when I would get overwhelmed or worked up around the other kids (I was the youngest of 6), he would take me crying, having a meltdown, to his room, up those steps. I would suck my thumb as a kid when I was upset/anxious. He said there’s a reason I want to suck on something and be close (I liked a back rub or cuddle from my mum or dad) when I got worked up. He gave me his thumb and told me I could suck on it, I had a habit of shredding my nails anxiously. When I think of this it seems so damn obvious what he was doing, but I also remember before this, getting ice cream with him and him joking around licking ice cream that had dripped onto his fingers, my fingers, getting me to lick it off of his. I can feel his thumb in my mouth, and him pushing it further in and gagging and he just shushed me and said “its okay”.

He told me its a natural part of being a woman to have this desire to suck, that its a reflex to please my partner. Then he told me the next part that “naturally” happened was that a guy would be turned on by my wanting him and showed me how hard he was, that this is what happens when I turn a guy on, and once I do that its my job to follow through. He unzipped and took himself out and told me that was what I really wanted to suck. This would make me feel better. I remember him stripping down and having me strip down and him asking me how I feel. He’d say that my heart pounding, the butterflies, the pit in my stomach, was what “being turned on” felt like. He talked to me about how some girls are different from others and start craving men earlier. I didn’t know because they don’t usually teach it this early but some girls are more “developed”, we start getting “stressed” earlier and want/need to do something to blow off steam. He talked about adults doing this, that I didn’t know but that’s what I wanted. He told me how if girls like me dont have someone to guide and teach and punish them they just become whores. He did this for me, to help me.

He kept trying more and more things like a “test” and I kept giving him the indicators that I was one of those girls. So he kept teaching me what to do, how to get a guy going, hard, get him off, have sex etc. he would tell me to breathe deeply and just focus on the feeling of him. He says he knows I’m not a baby. He’s hard. See? If I was a baby he wouldn’t be hard, he isn’t turned on by babies. And the feelings I have meant I was ready and wanting him, a normal girl would feel nothing. And the killer, a normal girl wouldn't orgasm. There were times I realize now he got too turned on to stop and would just end up using my body. He’d explain that he has “big feelings” too sometimes. That adults do these things together to get rid of those feelings, so we were “helping” each other. He stressed that God created us this way. That I have openings and he has something to fill them with, God didn’t make it like that for no reason, I would be tight at first but my body would adjust and pain was all apart of it. The best part. Then things started to get rougher, “kinkier” because he said he knew I was curious.

He told me how all the things that made me, me, were the reason. The way I walked, talked, looked at him. I would shake and he’d say he had me weak in the knees or how it felt so good I couldn’t control myself. I tried to stay absolutely silent but I couldn’t help some of the noises that escaped, and he loved that. He wouldn’t just let me lie there and do what he did and leave. He wanted me to talk dirty, make noises, or pick the toy or where he would finish etc. He teased me about how wet he gets me when I'm just scared. He’d tell me that that hot, anxious, uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that as an adult I know now is actually just feeling overstimulated was what adults called “hot and bothered”.

When I think of how I got to a place of never questioning him and just doing exactly what he wanted and basically mimicking the girls in the porn he showed me, I want to puke. I feel so STUPID, it was so obvious.