I (m42) recently unearthed my repressed CSA. It came about because I got so laser-focused on “exploring my sexuality” that I asked my spouse if she would explore swinging with me. I had done all the mental gymnastics to rationalize why this wasn’t about anything but pure curiosity about myself and a desire to explore that with my partner. She was, of course, extremely hurt and confused by my request.

The result was one difficult conversation after another, and she kept pushing me for why I wanted this. She was convinced I just didn’t want her anymore. One thing led to another and I finally said out loud that some of my curiosity was rooted in the sexual experiences I had as a child. She needed me to explain and the next thing I know I was recalling all this abuse I had suffered between the ages of ~6 to 12. The memories started to flow from a very deep and guarded place. I can see now that many of the things I was wanting to explore in the swinging lifestyle were things I experienced as a child (sparing the details - much of my abuse was in group settings and with both boys and girls).

The amount of shame and self-hate I have experienced in the past week has been excruciating. I know I was a victim and it wasn’t my fault. But what I am struggling with the most is how this has poisoned my life over the years. How my compulsive behaviors (this has been a super fun thing to admit) have isolated myself, and by extension my spouse. I can’t stand how much she has silently suffered over our 17-year relationship bc of this. I also feel this trauma has resulted in me keeping my children at an arms length and that I have not been a good role model for them, which has also been hurtful to my spouse.

I don’t know what to do with this guilt. I’m in the process of finding a therapist and looking into some medication help, but I’m apparently in a bit of a holding pattern related to insurance and availability.